UnNews:Madman creates narcotic raisins
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Madman creates narcotic raisins
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 19:07:UTC)(
12 April 2011
NEW YORK CITY --One Chris Kilham decided that, in order to avoid having to go to Narcotics Anonymous for his addiction to painkillers, he would create something to rid him of his alledged pain. The result was a batch of raisins that contain a batch more powerful than a bottle of Oxycontin. They are spruced with something that he inappropriately mislabels gin in order to avoid any sort of legal trouble. He claims that they are a natural remedy, but studies of the content would show otherwise.
Scientist Mark Johnson said:
|“||I believe these raisins are indeed narcotics and are not a natural remedy like it was first stated by this man. We have reason to believe these raisins could be easily smuggled due to their appearance that is extraordinarily similar to real raisins. The painkilling effects have been tested on monkeys, and they seem to have the same effect as narcotics, so they indeed must be narcotics.||”|
- Chris Kilham, narcotic extraordinare "Gin-Soaked Raisins May Alleviate Pain". Fox News, April 11, 2011