UnNews:Mad scientist slightly too mad to invent time machine
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Mad scientist slightly too mad to invent time machine
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 6, 2016, 03:48:UTC)(
22 June 2010
BUTTE, Montana -- Local scientist Dr. Chester Brown, known to locals as the "mad" scientist, announced today that the time machine he is in the process of building is nearing completion. "I just have to reverse the polarity on the flux capacitors and then it should be ready!" Dr. Brown told UnNews from his padded cell in the high security mental hospital in which he currently resides.
Brown was involuntarily committed to the mental institution following a suicide attempt at his home in Butte last year. Doctors discovered hundreds of notebooks in Brown's house containing plans for time machines, perpetual motion devices and teleporters alongside newspaper clippings which he believes contain coded messages from a race of extra-dimensional alien beings.
"Dr. Brown is clearly suffering from severe paranoid delusions and psychotic behaviour," Dr. Noel White of the Western Montana Mental Health Center told UnNews. "We believe these problems stem from a history of psychedelic drug use and emotional anxieties resulting from the sudden death of his wife."
Brown, who had once been a promising young physics professor at Montana State University, is kept in a straitjacket for 22 hours each day following repeated violent assaults on psychiatric nurses at the mental health facility. For two hours a day he is allowed to play with pieces of coloured plasticine which he believes are parts in an intricate machine which will allow him to travel through time.
"They said I was mad," Brown said as he attempted to chew through his restraints. "But I'll show them. I'll show them all!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|