UnNews:Mad Scientists Prepare to Activate Doomsday Device
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Mad Scientists Prepare to Activate Doomsday Device
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 10:47:UTC)(
7 September 2008
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND:An international group of mad scientists at CERN (Central Evil Research Node) have recently announced that they will go ahead with plans to activate their latest world-destroying device. The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), operates by launching subatomic particles through a particle accelerator at close to the speed of light. The scientists will then cause the particles to collide, which they claim will create micro-black holes. One of the mad scientists most instrumental in the creation of this device, three-time Mad Scientist of the Year award winner Frank Wilczek recently stated “the collision should create tiny black holes, which over time will gravitate to the center of the Earth and combine into one regular-sized black hole, which will in turn devour the Earth and everything around it. There have been rumors that we’re also trying to discover the Higgs boson and conduct other benevolent research, but these claims are completely unfounded. Anyone who thinks the LHC is not going to destroy the world is a t***.”
This announcement has caused an upsurge of letters and phone calls begging the demons-in-lab-coats to have mercy upon humanity. One letter reads “Please don’t destroy our happy planet, O scientists of infinite power. I offer you the pick of my three daughters if you cease your evil labors.” People have tried every angle to try and guilt/threaten the scientists to hold off the activation of the LHC. An international coalition of the world’s most developed countries even paid the scientists a ransom of over $9 billion, begging them to put their device to use for the good if mankind, and not its destruction. The evil-geniuses at CERN have only responded insofar as to say that they will not be swayed from their suicidal course. Two intrepid souls have even gone so far as to try and tie up the scientists within the sticky web of the legal system. But the mad-scientists have informed our would-be judicially savvy saviors that they, in fact, operate above the law and are not subject to “your puny mortal lawsuits”.
Faced with the certainty of their eventual destruction, much of the world has broken into anarchy. Looting has broken out in almost every major metropolitan center and some minor ones as well. NASA has begun a program to get the world's most important people, like Michael Phelps, inside space shuttles that have been converted into humanity’s last hope for survival. NASA director Michael Griffin is quoted as saying “I bet you wish you had given us more funding now, huh motherfuckers? You cut our funding, and then as soon as some world-threatening catastrophe looms you want us to save your sorry asses? Well you know what? Fuck you! I hope you like getting sucked into a black hole, you assholes.” Another group of super-scientists has also formed, but these ones don’t want to destroy the Earth. They plan to build, at the low price of $18 billion, a Large Anti-Hadron Collider. It is theorized that this device will create “white holes” which will counteract the black holes being created by the LHC. These scientists claim that the LAHC could be ready within five to ten years if they receive funding now. One scientist said “It might work, but it’s all really theoretical. In fact, we might find out that it doesn’t actually do anything and has simply been a colossal waste of time and money. But those are the risks you have to take with science.”
Ed Grabianowski "Anyone Who Thinks The LHC Will Not Destroy The World is a T***". Telegraph, September 06, 2008