UnNews:Mad Japanese Baseball Scientists Design Pitch Which Could Destroy Baseball
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Mad Japanese Baseball Scientists Design Pitch Which Could Destroy Baseball
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 25, 2016, 13:07:UTC)(
24 October 2006
Tokyotokyoto, Japan Using powerful supercomputers and baseball playing robots a top-secret team of Japanese baseball scientists invented a baseball pitch that could potentially destroy baseball itself. The newly developed "gyro ball" has been designed to be scientifically unhittable. By using a scientific grip and putting the scientifically prescribed spin on a normal slider a pitcher is capable of throwing a ball that penetrate the strike zone and land in the catcher's mitt while never approaching within 6 feet of the batter.
"I told him that mankind was not responsible enough for such an incredible pitch. Himeno you fool, you mad, mad fool!" said former project leader Kazushi Tezuka in his first interview since the destruction of the National Baseball Physics Lab last year.
"The moment I saw the first computer aerodynamics models I knew we were tampering in God's domain. Scientific curiosity and the thrill of discovery drove us onward. It was fun at first, even a feeble seventy year old man such as I could reduce great batters like Ichiro Yanami and Mahito Sugaya to .0100 or lower batting average but I knew we had gone too far when one our test batters, Hiro, committed seppuku with his own bat rather than facing the shame of being struck out by an old man again."
According to police reports Kazushi Tezuka and Ryutaro Himeno had a heated argument on March 16th over how to use the newly discovered pitch. After several days of stealing copies of the research data Himeno overloaded the lab's particle accelerator destroying the site. Tezuka was severely wounded in the explosion and two catchers were killed. Himeno fled underground and has recently adopted the supervillian moniker "Baron Von Baseball"
"Betrayed by my prized pupil... I could have never forseen... avenge... me..." remarked Tezuka before coughing up a little blood and dying.
Slowly, the gyroball pitch began springing up around Japanese Major League ballparks. After superstar right-hander Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched four consecutive perfect games the end of Japanese baseball was clearly in sight. Struggling to keep up with his devatating moundwork fierce black market bidding wars erupted over copies of Baron Von Baseball's carefully guarded guide to the gyroball, "Hachiro Namuki Tenimaru" (Lucky Best Miracle Stronger Secret, Yes!) Within months Japanese baseball was all blowouts or pitching duels lasting 35 to 50 innings and ending when all the pitchers are too sleepy to throw anymore. When asked if he felt responsible for the state of Japanese Baseball Daisuke Matsuzaka responded "It ain't like I've gone all American and started taking steroids. Daisuke's just keepin' it real. Hate the game, not the playa, yo. Peace."
Baseball attendance has fallen 70%. Of those loyal fans 70% came to get drunk and 29% came to watch the mascots in between innings.
"No fur off my back." said Brisky the Bear, mascot of the Nippon Ham Fighters. "They've increased my perfromance budget by fifteen times and since there's zero chance of the outfield being used until, say, the 17th inning I have plenty of time to set up the stage, pyrotechnics, skateboard halfpipe and boy's choir in center-right field. I can really express myself as an artist now, you know? It's still about the capering for me, though. I not going to become a big phony like the Amagasaki Wombat or the Hachinohe Octopuss."
The day after their playoff defeat the entire pitching lineup of the New York Yankees was caught at JFK airport attempting to board a plane to Tokyo carrying suitcases full of gold, jewels and unmarked 100,000 Yen bills. "Can't a man take his valise full of diamonds on a vacation? I though this was a free country!" remarked an irate Randy Johnson.
Unconfirmed sources confirm that Daisuke Matsuzaka is in negotiations with Seattle Mariners' Manager Mike Hargrove for a billion dollar contract and The Moose was renewed for 5 million and "a fresh, brand new costume for every appearance."
It is predicted that the gyroball will destroy American major league baseball by 2009. MLB scientists are furiously working on a quantum energy hyperbat to combat this menace.