UnNews:Mad Creation Scientist Prays for Giant Robot
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Mad Creation Scientist Prays for Giant Robot
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 28, 2015, 20:08:UTC)(
13 June 2007
Transylvania, LA From the outside, Castle Krankenhaus looks like the sinister lair of any mad scientist. Like most evil-genius lairs, it is a Gothic castle with mullioned walls, lighting antennae and a stagnant moat. But its owner, Freiherr Doktor Ferdinand Hieronymus von Krankenhaus-Wurlitzer is no ordinary mad scientist. He has eschewed the materialistic basis of most mad science, and adopted a model based on the Bible. In short, Dr. Krankenhaus is a mad Creation Scientist.
As he shows me around his lab, I am impressed by the sheer breadth of his learning. On one bench, a circle of metal is being manipulated by a device intended to undo Satanic irrational numbers and return pi to its Biblical value of three. On another bench is a monkey in a cage; a digital camera trained on the monkey has been running for over a year, and there is still no sign of the monkey evolving. In the corner is a twisted creature made from the stitched-together remains of a dozen dead bodies. The doktor says that, according to his theories, the creature will live 'when God wills it'.
"I was brought up a Christian, back in the old country," he says, "But I drifted away from the church until, like Peter, I denied Jesus. But after my third laboratory was burned to the ground by angry mobs, I began to rethink my relationship with God.
"I haven't rethought my relationship with torch-wielding peasants though. Seriously, those guys are tools."
It wasn't long after making the commitment to renew his faith that friction began to arise between Dr. Krankenhaus and the scientific orthodoxy.
"It started in little ways," he explains. "My fellow scientists began mocking me. My associate Count Wampyre, for example, openly mocked me for trying to experimentally prove that donkeys will talk if you hit them (Numbers 22:28-30). Every time he saw me he'd cry out "Look, it's Dr. Donkey Punch!""
Krankenhaus' ostracism by the scientific community reached its apogee when his article Metal Fatigue in Copper-Osmium Alloys - A New Perspective was rejected by the prestigious science journal Nature.
"They said that the methodology was as sloppy as a 60 year old hooker," says the Doctor, "But I think it had to do with the ideologically driven belief that multiple references to Paul's Epistle to the Thessalonians have no place in a paper on metallurgy.
"Fools! I'll destroy them all!" he thunders. "If God wills it," he adds.
"I was uncertain about Krankenhaus from the beginning," says one DI staffer who declined to be named. "His theory that secularism causes cancer seemed well founded. But after he tried to explain to me that the hidden message of the Book of Judges was that God wanted us to build a freeze ray and rob Fort Knox... well, I kind of avoided him after that.
"And don't even ask about his theories regarding the Book of Jonah and nuclear cyber-whales. Brrr."
It wasn't long before DI President Bruce Chapman kicked him out. "I went into his lab one day, and saw that he was on the verge of making a scientific breakthrough," says Chapman, "We do not stand for that kind of shit around here."
Alone and friendless, Krankenhaus turned his back on both the scientific and pseudoscientific establishments.
"Bah, fools! What do they know of Creation Science?" he says, laughing. "Mu hu hu ha ha ha ha! They will all rue the day they mocked me! When God answers my prayers and delivers into my hands some sort of unstoppable nucleotronic robotic juggernaut, they'll all be sorry. Very, very sorry!"
Our interview over all too soon, Krankenhaus returned to his lab to work and pray and continue a life devoted to a unique vision of Christian humility combined with overweening scientific hubris.
"When I have completed my faith-based reactor, I will be able to multiply the power of my prayers a millionfold!" he says by way of farewell. "I will become like unto a god!
"Er, but not actually a god," he concludes, looking nervously upwards.
- Vincent Yarfnaro "Mad Creation Science: Dr Krankenhaus Teaches the Controversy". Christian Mad Science Digest, June 13, 2007