UnNews:MTV announces launch of Chimp My Ride

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30 June 2007

Kutcher
Mr Kutcher yesterday. What kind of a name is Ashton anyway?

HOLLYWOOD, Calif, GNN (Goanna News Network). IN A nod to the fast-growing popularity of chimping -- a practice in which couples gain sexual satisfaction by defecating into their hands and throwing it at each other -- MTV Networks has announced the premiere of Chimp My Ride, a light-hearted chimping-themed reality TV series.

In each episode of Chimp My Ride, well-known celebrities will have their cars customised with items such as flat-screen TVs, Xbox 360s, low-profile tyres and mag wheels with spinners, and then indulge in a faecal free-for-all with host Ashton Kutcher.

Kutcher, who along with wife Demi Moore is one half of one of Hollywood's best-known chimping couples, said he was excited to be a part of the groundbreaking series.

"Chimping is the scat sensation that's sweeping the nation," Kutcher said, reading from a prepared statement at an MTV press conference yesterday. "Many of Hollywood's hottest celebrities have enjoyed the rush that comes with flinging poop at each other, and now the public at large can enjoy the spectacle of celebrity chimping while they check out some truly blingin' bad-ass sleds."

While Kutcher and Moore are considered the First Family of American chimping, other well-known entertainment-industry chimpers include Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, Gwyneth Paltrow and that guy out of Coldplay, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and Fox News's Bill O'Reilly.

One of the biggest, baddest chimpers around is rapper 50 Cent, who appears in the first episode of Chimp My Ride, having his stretch Hummer fitted out with a Jacuzzi and recording studio before engaging in a spirited turd-trading session with Kutcher.

"Yo, I be down wit' dis shit, you know what I'm sayin'?" Mr Cent mumbled at the press conference, before his backing track crapped out. "I don't be wearin' goggles or no shit like dat. Damn, dog! I bin shot 19 times and you think I'm afraid of a little turd? Shee-it!"

The origins of chimping are shrouded in mystery, but like most distasteful sexual practices it probably originated in Germany before spreading to the British upper classes.

American television schedules look set to be swamped by a wave of excrement-related progrmming this fall, beginning with NBC's Celebrity PooBall Challenge, hosted by Elisabeth Hasselbeck in which celebrities including Kathy Griffin, that guy that played Greg in The Brady Bunch, and various other reality show whores will take part in rigorous Army Rangers training before having a big shootout with paintball guns filled with balls of poo.

CBS will premiere Who Flung Dung?, hosted by George Takei in which contestants, armed with the details of celebrities' dietary habits will have to guess, based on odour and consistency, whose poop just hit them in the back of the head.

On Sunday nights CNN will present Faecal Matters, a news-panel review of the week in chimping hosted by Anderson Cooper.

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