UnNews:MSNBC launches "Nude News"

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20 January 2007

Alison Stewart

Alison Stewart--she (and maybe Margaret Brennan) is all the MSNBC nudes that'll fit the network's proposed new news format

REDMOND, WA - In a desperate effort to increase its ratings, which continue to be lower than any those of any other network or cable news outlet, including ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, and Fox, MSNBC has launched Nude News, a “risky business venture,” MSNBC spokesman Bill Gates announced during a meeting with Microsoft Corporation’s shareholders.

The hourly program, the slogan of which is “Nude News is good news!,” was inspired, Gates said, by European television companies’ airing of weather reports during which female meteorologists perform a striptease on camera while discussing warm fronts, heat waves, and global warming. They also “heat things up,” the Microsoft CEO said, “by taking off their clothes while they report on cold fronts, freezing temperatures, and blizzards. Slowly, they put clothes on that are appropriate to the weather conditions they forecast.”

As a result of the on-air striptease, the ratings for these newscasts has soared, Gates told his listeners, and there was no reason to suppose the same would not happen when MSNBC “goes naked.” However, Gates recommends that MSNBC not restrict on-air nudity to only the weather reporters. He believes that anchors, reporters, and others should be asked to doff their clothing for the good of their company. “There should be no no-nudity clauses in an MSNBC contracts,” he declared.

It’s no longer enough just to read a teleprompter, Gates insisted. Men and women--especially women--must be willing to take off those three-piece business suits. The MSNBC talent and their support staff are very photogenic,” he said, “and should use their good looks--all of them--to maximize market share and increase ratings.”

“How many people do you think really want to see Don Imus naked? (nobody!!!” one of the stockholders asked Gates.

“Don should be willing to shed his suit,” Gates countered, “although more voyeurs--I mean, viewers--I grant you, might prefer to see Alison Stewart or Margaret Brennan nude than Imus or Chris Matthews naked.”

Gates also suggested that MSNBC hire more women: “A pretty face with a nice rack and a tight booty,” he said, “can read a teleprompter as well as, or better than, some pompous, gray-haired guy in a pinstripe suit and tie.”

Gates’ recommendations are under review, both by MSNBC’s executive staff and the Federal Communications Commission.

Meanwhile, Chris Matthews said, “I’m not taking my clothes off for Bill Gates or anyone else.”

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