|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
3 February 2013
REDMOND, Washington -- The number of desktops using Microsoft Windows has declined to a near crawl in recent years, from 95 per cent three years ago to only 91 per cent today. This came as a shock to executives at Microsoft headquarters in the wake of the recent release and near-giveaway of Windows 8, which ended two days ago.
"I'm probably going to have to sell one of my Caribbean islands, although I don't know how my family will take it," a distraught Bill Gates said to reporters after the finding that only 91.5% of the market runs a Windows operating system on its computers. This is the result of the fallout from a report on C-Net, which claimed on its pie chart that Windows 8, gets 2.2% of market share, but when added to all the other Microsoft products running on today's desktops, this adds up to 91.45% per cent of market share.
This is a drastic decline from over 95% almost three years ago.
"I don't know. I think many of Microsoft employees are going to have to sell DVDs of Windows 8 on street corners so they can raise capital from now on," NASDAQ market analyst Esau O'Riperton grimly told UnNews.
"This makes the playing field more uneven for our total control of the market", Balzina Vise, a Microsoft Corporate Vice President said in an interview. "With Microsoft controlling less of the market, that means that," and he began shakily reaching for a handkerchief to wipe his eyes at this point, "other players are in danger of entering the market. I just wonder what kind of a world our kids will inherit if that's allowed to happen."