|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
3 May 2007
Hollywood, CA — On the heels of reports that a hacker has successfully extracted the 16-byte key used to encrypt almost all HD-DVDs on the market today, the Motion Picture Association of America has announced a new, uncopyable form of HD-DVD encryption. According to the association, this is necessary to protect their intellectual property from being used by unscrupulous people trying to watch their movies. In fact, the MPAA used the phrase "intellectual property" a total of 572 times during the course of interviews with representatives, both reminding these journalists of its legal implications and attempting to imply there was an intellectual process behind most of the movies released in the past five years.
The new discs (see picture) have special instructions stamped onto the readable surface instructing the user to not read the track containing encryption data. This, according to the MPAA, will prevent law-abiding citizens from reading the keys. As an added benefit, the ink used to stamp the notice on the disc prevents the laser from reading data, ensuring it cannot be copied.
"We need to protect our intellectual property," a generic MPAA spokesperson claimed. "It has been our goal to stop honest people from watching our movies that they paid for. Professional pirates don't concern us at all; even the most casual searches on Google will find that they don't even need to crack the encryption to copy an HD-DVD and sell it on the black market, and we're not doing a thing to change that. However, when it came to our attention that people who actually bought our movies were able to watch them, we had to take action. Can you imagine what would happen if people could just watch movies at their whim, wherever and whenever they wanted? I know I wouldn't want to live in a world like that."
Hackers, however, claim to be unimpressed by the new encryption. Though harder to get around than the previous method wherein the encryption key was distributed with the medium it was intended to protect, sources claim this new ink-based instruction scheme can be defeated using methods including paint thinner, erasers, and scrapers. Failing this, the hackers will just stop buying HD-DVDs altogether, wondering why, in fact, they are going to such measures to watch a high-definition version of a movie like Superman Returns in the first place.
However, upon hearing of these methods, another animated business suit claimed, "In the same way we stopped the deCSS code from being spread, we will stop information on these new illegal copying methods from falling into the wrong hands. Everyone knows how disastrous the deCSS debacle was. Nobody ever bought a DVD after that, and we will not let it happen again. As soon as we're done removing the current AACS key from the internet, we will work with the US Congress to outlaw such illegal circumvention devices."