|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
18 June 2009
LONDON, England In an attempt to deter further dishonest actions by MPs they are being forced to admit their wrongdoings. In recent weeks the public has called for the sentencing of nearly every MP currently in power in the UK because of the expenses scandal. Although England, as well as the majority of the world, is suffering from an economic recession it has angered the public that the MPs took advantage of the Expenses Policy and used Tax Payer's money to pay for holidays, toilet seats and, as pictured, items of clothing.
Former Speaker in the House of Commons, Michael Martin originally chided the MPs after it was revealed that they had taken liberties with their expenses. Speaking from his house, where he will stay now until he finds another job, he told us that "It is outrageous the amount of obscene actions that these chaps, who we have designated to run our country, have got away with and committed in the first place - it's horrendous!" Mr Martin was one of the few people who sits in the House of Commons every Wednesday who hadn't meddled with his bills, "We have been trusted by the people of this great country to look after them; how are we to do this when our behaviour reflects irresponsibility. I have never had anything to do with criminals and I did not play a part in these crimes... then again I was never given a chance."
Michael Martin steps down as Speaker this weekend: his resignation was called for as a result of the way he addressed MPs at Prime Minister's Question Time, since then, due to the fact that his accusations about other MPs turned out to be true, many of the public have forgiven him although figures such as David Cameron seem to have conveniently forgotten the whole situation: "Michael Martin? Oh yes, he's the chap who sits in the big chair on Wednesdays, isn't he? Yes, lovely gentleman. What do you mean he's leaving? Expenses? What is this you're babbling on about? You've got no right to judge me, my child died you know?!" Other MPs have also attracted blame and have consequently lost their jobs as a result of a media witch-hunt: however, the public seem more keen on getting back the money before they start blaming people.
Although there is no set amount of money for each MP, until recently it was thought that they would only receive compensation for money spent on work-related travel and health costs. It isn't entirely clear how long these MPs have been dipping into our pockets," said Igor Judge, the current Lord Chief Justice for England and Wales, "Although it is clear that they have been doing so for a while and would have continued it if they hadn't been caught out. I am ashamed to admit that some of my closest friends have been involved in this scandal and I can only hope that I won't have to return any of the rather glamorous birthday gifts that I and members of my family have received in previous years." It seems unlikely that all of the money taken by MPs will be returned, as in the past ten years alone the money is estimated at around £30 million pounds, however this isn't to say that justice won't be served.
MPs are being ordered to clearly tag all items of clothing, vehicles, homes or children that they may have bought and charged to expenses in the past year and a half. These tags must be worn every day until the item in question has been in full, at which point the tag can be removed. Today at the Ascot Race Track, where it was Ladies Day, not only was the arena full of beautiful women wearing beautiful items of clothing but it was also filled with hundreds of tags, not unlike the kind attached to luggage.
Many MPs are protesting against the use of tags, mainly due to the fact that in some cases they charged cosmetic surgery to their expenses and feel it inappropriate to place tags directly onto the body. These protests, it is hoped, will be overruled.