UnNews:Lynch becomes new U.S. Attorney General

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Lynch becomes new U.S. Attorney General

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29 April 2015

Loretta Swit

This ain't Loretta Lynch. She be black.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Senate confirmed Loretta Lynch as the nation's second consecutive African American Attorney General. As that doesn't sound historic, most networks instead noted that Ms. Lynch is the nation's first-ever-in-history African American Woman Attorney General, which has never happened before.

Ms. Lynch is also the nation's second straight attorney general whose resumé is full of filing criminal charges against policemen. Her confirmation means the media can end the year-long search for stories of black criminals dying after confronting white cops. Nevertheless, they found one in Baltimore, and the city teed up a final, ceremonial race riot.

Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, just home from viewing the final installment of The Hobbit, put together a "Battle of Five Armies" of her own, inviting the Bloods, the Crips, the Democrats, and the Nation of Islam to march, inside closed sporting goods stores, against the death of gentle giant Freddie Gray. Mr. Gray died under unclear circumstances, but probably having something to do with the fact that every cop on the force wakes up every morning hoping to kill a lot of Negroes. The demonstrators called attention to a century of racial oppression by stealing Air Jordans, but leaving Chuck Taylors on the shelves, the cracker.

Converse high-top

Conservatives wonder what Baltimore is coming to when sneakers like this have lost their appeal to the city's finest looters.

The fifth "army" in this Lynch mob was to be ravens flying to the rescue. However, they are out of season, and the Orioles elected to cancel one game, move the next home-stand to Florida, and play Wednesday's game in front of no fans, even though players and the television audience will not notice much difference.

The mayor tried to balance the rights of citizens and businesses, while giving "those who wished to destroy, space to do that." Her publicists told the media that Baltimore's vandals are stakeholders too, while the concerns of its shopkeepers are "only property." T-shirts for the occasion said, "Looter Lives Matter."

President Obama, a Racial Healer elected by claiming that having a "black" President would settle the issue for good, avoided stating that, although he does not know all the facts, the police acted stupidly. However, he did call for yet another round of national "soul-searching." The new Attorney General is likely to lead this round with criminal charges against most of the Police Department — just like the old one would have.

Rasta Mouse

Sen. Ayotte modelled her Chuck Taylors at the physics colloquium.

Republicans tried to explain, as ten of their Senators joined the 56-43 vote in favor of Ms. Lynch, why it had to wait five months. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said the delay won Democratic votes for a new ban on taxpayer-funded abortions, which Mr. Obama will ignore just like the one in Obama-care. "Rising star" Kelly Ayotte (R-NH) called Ms. Lynch "a well-respected U.S. attorney with a proven record," then changed the subject to "Hip Hop Physics" at a local school. These Republicans opted out of the President's "soul-searching" for one obvious reason.

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