UnNews:Luxembourg annexes portions of Belgium, France
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Luxembourg annexes portions of Belgium, France
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 15:50:UTC)(
12 January 2007
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Bordered by Belgium, France, and Germany, the Grandiose Duchy of Luxembourg, to use its full name, which was formerly 999 square miles, is now 2,997 square miles in area, and its population has doubled, increasing from 500,000 to approximately one million citizens.
Luxembourg used its status as a founding member of the European Union to confiscate 999 square miles each from Belgium and France, earning the admiration and praise of many and the condemnation only of France’s president Jacques Chirac and Belgium’s prime minister Guy Verhofstadt.
The minuscule country has long had designs on the acquisition of its neighbors’ territory, political pundits claim, and its recent annexations of portions of Belgium and France proves that Luxembourg’s motives in helping to found the European Union were anything but altruistic. “In a master stroke of political and diplomatic duplicity worthy of Machiavelli himself, Luxembourg set in place the basis of its own expansion at its neighbors’ expense,” said John Bolton, the United States’ ambassador to the United Nations. “You have to admire such forward thinking, such ruthless self-promotion.”
However, Chirac said, “This is outrageous,” and he has vowed to appeal the European Union’s decision to allow the annexation to go forward to the United Nations. “We regard the so-called annexation as an invasion of our sovereign territory and regret the fact that our male citizens no longer have the will or the virility to stand up for their country. Had they the requisite machismo, we’d repel these invaders, even if doing so meant breaking a nail or getting our hands dirty.”
Verhofstadt was equally reproachful of Luxembourg’s actions in his condemnation of the annexation, which he described as “a belligerent action that should not go undressed.” However, he declined to say whether his country was prepared to wage war against Luxembourg in order to recover its “stolen” territory. “We will await the United Nations’ verdict as to whether the seizure of our land should be reckoned as legal,” he said, warning “Other countries should pay particularly close attention to the U. N.’s deliberations of this matter, for, if it is upheld, what is to prevent other countries from annexing portions of their neighbor’s territory? Mexico, for example, might want to seize California, Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, and Texas.”
President Bush disagreed with Verhofstadt’s analysis of the potential for annexations of land outside Europe. “The United States is not a member of the European Union, so it’s ridiculous rules and regulations don’t apply to us. Besides, Mexico has no need to annex our states: we don’t protect our borders, so anyone from Mexico is free to enter our country illegally at any time, as millions have already done and thousands continue to do each day of the week.”
Luxembourg’s prime minister, Jean-Claude Juncker, said he is pleased with his nation’s acquisition of Belgium and French territory and the resulting increases in the Grandiose Duchy’s land and population.
Since Luxembourg recognizes Luxembourgish, French, and German as its official languages, the former Belgians among its citizenry will have to learn to speak and write one of these languages, foregoing the use of their own native tongue, or use English, which is widely known and used, despite its unofficial status.
Juncker announced his country’s intention of putting its new citizens to work in Luxembourg’s chemicals, rubber, and steel industries, where cheap, unskilled labor is needed.
Commentators have argued that Luxembourg’s annexations of Belgium and French territories is as much motivated by psychological impulses as it is political ambitions.
Dr. Ima Shrink attributed the seizure of its neighbors’ property to the nation’s “inferiority complex.” In politics, as in male anatomy, she said, “size matters,” and “when you’re one of the tiniest nations on the planet, your self-esteem is low and tenuous. To boost your confidence and sense of self-worth, you may be subject to aggressive and hostile acting out. If you’re a nation, instead of an individual, the result could be what it was in this case--the theft of other countries’ territories.”
Another psychologist, Dr. Si Coe, agreed. “It's a Napoleon complex--a type of inferiority complex that some people, often men, experience as a result of inferior stature, which results in their perceived need to overcompensate in other areas of their lives to prove themselves adequate or superior, despite their handicap. In the case of Luxembourg, the handicap is size as measured in area rather than height per se.”
Juncker said that his country has “no plans as yet” to annex a portion of Germany, although observers suggest that doing so is only a matter of time. “Why should they stop at tripling the size of their country when they could quadruple it?” U. S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice asked.
German chancellor Gerhard Schroeder expressed confidence in his nation’s ability to use military force to repel any attempt by Luxembourg to annex “even a meter of German soil” and vowed to wage war against all of Europe and the whole world, if need be, “to protect and preserve the honor and integrity of the Motherland. We gave you World War I and World War II, and, if push comes to shove, we are prepared to give you World War III as well. Unlike the Belgians and the French, German men have retained their manhood and are willing to use it against any who would rape and pillage Deutschland.”
The European Union promised to take the chancellor’s statements under advisement in deliberating upon Luxembourg’s seizure of Belgium and French territories.
- Lotta Lies "The mouse that roared (and maybe bit off more than it can chew)". Uncyclopedia: a lamp of knowledge and wisdom unto the masses, January 12, 2007