UnNews:Louisiana gets around to announcing vote
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Louisiana gets around to announcing vote
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 19, 2018, 11:33:UTC)(
10 December 2014
BATON ROUGE, Louisiana -- A month after the Republican Party took over the U.S. Senate and the rest of the nation either engaged in frivolous spending or blocked expressways in protest of it, the State of Louisiana piped up with an emphatic "us too!"
By law, laid-back Louisiana holds its November vote in December, hoping against hope to be a dramatic tie-breaker and make Americans pay attention to how it votes, or even where it is and why people talk like that. Unfortunately, the jackass left the barn four weeks before Louisiana slammed its own door shut, so the Pelican State's only role was to decide whether the Republicans would control the Senate by 4 votes or by 5.
Incumbent Mary Landrieu, daughter of legendary Moon Pie Landrieu and niece of lecherous Twinkie Landrieu, was in trouble, having nothing to offer the riggers and refiners in her district except a spotless record of supporting President Obama as he promised to bankrupt them, while challenger Butch Cassidy — currently in the House of Representatives — filed a bill to build the XL pipeline.
XL is part of the Republican recovery plan, along with XM, which is a bank. Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) stressed that voting for projects with two letters instead of the usual three represents a 33% productivity improvement; as does voting for bills that the Senate refuses to take up.
Suddenly, Landrieu had to become pro-oil. But her fellow Democrats did not have to, and Landrieu was fried. "All Cassidy had to do is take a knee and let time run out," said professor Joshua Stockley, unfortunately thinking he was discussing football, as most Louisianans do in December. Landrieu had touted her membership on the Energy Committee, but voters knew that the change in Senate control meant she would now sit outside the hearing room.
Cassidy's first post-victory act was to say, "People are upset about [Obama-care], and we must do something about it." Majority Leader-elect Mitch McConnell's own first post-victory act was to beat Cassidy into a pulp, as McConnell's priorities are a tax shelter for the handicapped, postponing budget debate for ten months, and not getting blamed for stuff.
- Deborah Barfield Berry "Cassidy defeats Landrieu in Louisiana Senate runoff". USA Today, December 6, 2014
- Daniella Diaz "Bill Cassidy: Obamacare ‘pounding the American people’". Politico, December 7, 2014