|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
4 September 2007
DUNDALK, Maryland -- Capt. Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett, is one of the many billions of people in the world who has experienced an exorbitant lottery winning. He is also one of many millions of people in the United States who has been federally granted unearned consumption funds via this win and municipal welfare; tax-exemptions for being a fat American. There is one thing however that is unique about Captain Bartlett, or “Bunky” as his newly acquired courtesans call him; Bunky’s head is shaped like a fucking pear. There are simply no medical or spiritual discernments about his current facial condition except for the fact that it is shaped like a fucking huge pear and possibly facilitated his winning of a lottery.
"If it wasn't for my head, I wouldn't have won the lottery," Bartlett ingeniously stated on Sunday at Mystickal Voyage, a New Age shop.
Four winning tickets to the Mega Millions jackpot were sold in Maryland, New Jersey, Texas and Virginia. Lottery officials said Sunday they cannot confirm the validity of Bartlett's ticket until they meet with his
head him on Tues Pearday.
Bartlett, an accountant from Dundalk, Maryland, said he made a bargain with the multiple gods associated with his Wiccan beliefs: "You let me win the lottery and I'll let you stare at my head." He claimed both tickets he purchased had numbers chosen randomly from the computer; this disclosure from Mr. Bartlett immediately disaffirmed any and all previous allegations he made about his pear-shaped head having any spiritual power or contributing influence on his lottery win.
According to preliminary calculations, each ticket would be worth about $82 million
or 36 million discounted pears if the prize were taken in 26 annual payments; or as Mr. Bartlett calls it, Light-year annuity.
Bartlett said the money won't change him, although he plans to invest in Mystickal Voyage. "I'm going to live my life like I have been," he said with pear in his hand held up in front of our cameras drawing remarkable contour similarities between it and Bartlett's head.
The odds that any ticket would match all five numbers - 5, 5, 5, 5 and 55 - and the Mega Balls number - 2 - were one in 176 million. Spiritual properties of the computer used to generate the win are now under harsh investigation by the federal government.
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