UnNews:Lord Zedd arrested for tresspassing; alcohol suspected
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Lord Zedd arrested for tresspassing; alcohol suspected
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 22, 2017, 16:27:UTC)(
18 August 2009
Angel Grove, California — Police arrested skeletal villain Lord Zedd after locals reported him entering their house uninvited. According to Lt. Jerome B. Stone, Mr. and Mrs. Appleby initially called 911 on July 28, claiming there was a man snooping around their house around 4:30 P.M. PDT, looking disoriented, confused, and "drunk as a skunk. We didn’t make much of it, so we waited to see if he’d do it again, and we busted his ass."
The second offense occurred at the Appleby residence on Monday, August 10 at about 2:30 in the morning. "He smelt like shit," says Junior Police Officer Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier. "He had really bad B.O., didn’t he, Skull?"
His police partner and friend, Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch, agreed, "Yeah, Bulk. This Zedd guy reeked!" Skullovitch is also a Junior Police Officer. Both Bulk and Skull are Angel Grove High School students and former bullies who look a bit old for their age.
Zedd — best known for his monster rampages that were frequently thwarted by the Power Rangers from 1994 to 1996 — was born Wade Strider Kevin Zeddicus on May 29, 1949. He was booked on charges of trespassing and intoxication, and spent 72 hours in jail until he was bailed out by his estranged wife, Rita Repulsa; son, Thrax; and henchman, Goldar. His blood alcohol level was revealed to be 19.94, way above the legal limit of 0.08.
Zedd and his clan have been living on unemployment checks due to the recent ecomony, and a lack of villainous creativity. Repulsa filed for divorce in February after suspecting that Zedd had been having a homosexual affair with Power Rangers mentor Zordon and/or his assistant Alpha 5; Zedd has gone on record to deny the allegations. Zordon died in 1999. Alpha died of a heart attack in March. Zedd and Repulsa’s divorce is still pending.
Former Black Ranger Zack Taylor commented that he was excited to finally see Zedd defeated. "About damn time! It’s time to drink and party! YEAAAAAHHHH!!!" Rumor has it that Taylor was also arrested for an alcohol-related incident.
Former Green/White/Red/Black Ranger Tommy Oliver said that "It’s sad how Zedd’s life has turned upside down. I wish him all the best in his time of need. I saw his mugshot - talk about embarrasing! He’s really let himself go in recent years; he’s not the villain I remember him being 15 years ago."
Other Rangers were unavailable for comment due to a long-lived dispute with the Screen Actor's Guild. The Power Rangers started fighting in 1993 against Repulsa until Zedd banished her in 1994. She returned shortly thereafter and the two were wed at Zedd’s lair on the moon that same year. After Zedd and Rita retired in 1996, thinking the Rangers and Zordon were dead, the Rangers continued in a revolving door of incarnations and personnel until they were killed in a bizarre freak accident in Robert Iger’s office on March 7, 2009. It is currently unknown if there will be a continuation of the team, but fans have been attempting to clone the original team; some have even gone as far as to clone the original villains. However, the new old heroes and villains will bear striking resemblances to actors rather than average citizens. Fans have gone that extra mile to give these revamped Rangers "some serious balls."