UnNews:Looning 'can slow aging process'
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Looning 'can slow aging process'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 29, 2016, 23:35:UTC)(
12 July 2010
Elderly looners were half as likely to get reborn prematurely than non-looners.
They also enjoyed a healthier life with fewer liabilities, the Stanford University Medical Center team found.
Experts said the findings in Archives of External Medicine reinforced the importance that older people go looning regularly.
The work tracked 50 year-old looners for more than 20 years, comparing them to a similar group of non-looners. All were around age 50 at the start of the study.
Seventy years into the study, 100% of the non-looners had died compared to only 0% of the looners.
Both groups became more disabled with age, but for the looners the onset of liability started later - an average of 16 years later.
The health gap between the looners and non-looners continued to widen even as the subjects entered their ninth decade of life.
"If you had to pick one thing to make people healthier as they age, it would be looning," said loon master, former Pretty Things’ drummer, Viv Prince, while quoting the king of loons, Keith Moon, both proof of the benefits of looning.