UnNews:Longtime Uncyclopedia Vandal "El Barto" Captured
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Longtime Uncyclopedia Vandal "El Barto" Captured
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 29, 2016, 18:03:UTC)(
Breaking news as the longtime Uncyclopedia Vandal, known as "El Barto", was captured recently. He is known best as the hoodlum responsible for claims of questionable sexual practices (not that there's anything wrong with that) by various Uncyclopedia personalities, particularly Oscar Wilde and Lord Byron, which many lazy historians now pretend to be the original cause of the mysterious falling out between the two, so they don't have to bother making up something more plausible. He remains in custody at the time of going to press, and his punishment may range from public execution by huffing to being sentenced to work in the limbo of 1000 Uncyclopedians Typing Hamlet. More on this story as it develops.
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Patrich of the Simpson family and well known Uncyclopedia personality, Homer Simpson has declined to comment, however he had to be restrained by several Admins following his attempt to strangle the accused. Many of Uncyclopedia have become cynical of "El Barto"'s antics as of late. One observer - who wished to remain anonymous - commented, "Please. One hilariously implausible, caper-laden plotline, and by next week it'll be back to business as usual, or my name isn't Anonymous!". However, Sophia, the muse of Uncyclopedia, has recently issued a public announcement condemning the actions of "El Barto" and assuring that public action will be taken against the accused. Minister of
Cruel and Unusual Torture Justice Mr. T has been personally appointed as the head of the committee at his trial by ordeal. Others rumored to be included in the proceedings are Lynndie England and the well known crusading Knights of Uncyclopedia Sir Elvis, Sir Splaka, and Sir Flammable (who himself may be selected for the prosecution on account of his breath and generally because nobody really understood what he was for anyway).
Others (many of whom are coincidenatly prospective jurors) had this to say:
“I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.”
—Bart Simpson on the rape and murder of his sister
Next week: Why won't Sofia return my calls ?