UnNews:London Olympics athletics report
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London Olympics athletics report
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 29, 2016, 13:00:UTC)(
2 August 2012
London, Great Britain -- Much has been going on in the London stadium which hosts the athletics events. The multiple competitions unfolding simultaneously make the amphitheater look to the untrained observer's eye like a chaotic orgy of muscular people running, jumping and throwing things around with seemingly no purpose. UnNews will try in this report to shed some light on those sports and athletes that are emerging like whales to the surface every four years, only to plunge back into oblivion days later.
Jackhammer throwing: The thrower spins around like a whirligig while using his weight to generate a centrifugal force and releases the jackhammer whenever he thinks the object has acquired maximum velocity or whenever he faints. The further the jackhammer travels, the better, with bonus points awarded if nobody is injured or killed. This year's gold medalist, Hungary's Barock Obamov, stated: "A good thrower can just "feel" the perfect moment to release the object. For my winning throw, I just let the jackhammer go when my shoulder dislocated."
Pole vault: The origins of this sport are a bit unclear, but it is rumored that it stems from that time when sir Lancelot had too much to drink in town one night and forgot his castle keys. He then used his lance in an attempt to propel himself over the castle wall. History doesn't say if his ordeal met with success or if he was forced to spend a night outside with broken limbs. Anyway, the London games added a new twist to the sport as the high bar was lit on fire. World records were shattered and second degree burns were inflicted.
Javelin throw: Probably another invention of Sir Lancelot of the Serpentine, the competition went exactly as planned, with judges and spectators being impaled by hazardous throws. Boris Ubragimov won the gold medal, but it is under investigation by the judging committee, since his javelin flew clear out of the stadium and landed in the London suburbs, raising suspicions of cheating. The noise produced when the javelin shattered the sound barrier was deafening.
4 kilometers ass relay: A team of four runners compete in this event, but instead of passing the baton from hand to hand, it is passed from hand to ass. The baton must then stay lodged in the anal cavity of the athlete while he is running his kilometer or else the team is disqualified by a panel of very attentive judges. The gold medal went to Israel and one of their runner stated: "Some people think our sport is a joke, but they should try it; they would see that it is a lot harder than it seems."
Now that we have clarified things a bit, we hope you'll be able to enjoy the competitions. Happy Olympics!
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|