UnNews:Lohan makes TV debut, handcuffs missing
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
1 March 2011
HOLLYWOOD, California -- On February 28, immediately following the Oscars and for the first time in living memory, Lindsay Lohan followed through on her repeated claims to be an actress, appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and participating in a spoof advertisement for an exercise program. Despite being in a star studded cast that included Scarlett Johansson, Minka Kelly, and Optimus Prime, Lohan was placed at the climax of the sketch, where she came through with a slightly-less-than-completely-flat performance that shocked both of the show's viewers. Said Kimmel on his choice to put Lohan in such a prominent place in his sketch, "She seemed to be the natural choice. I consider her to be an expert on the subject of personal fitness, considering how many times she's run from the cops." Kimmel would later retract this statement, however, after being told that Lohan had been seen nicking the coffee mug from off the top of his desk, replacing his previous words with, "That bitch."
Even though Lohan's appearance in the distressingly long sketch lasted less than 56 seconds, it is already being described as the highlight of her career, and is an indisputable landmark for her, marking the first time in recent memory she has appeared on screen without being locked in handcuffs. "It was a breakthrough for me," said Lohan of her role, "I hope it's a sign of things to come."
Lohan's quote, however, made more news than the performance itself. Many fans now worry if this might be the end of her improvised roles as a petty criminal on TMZ and her frequent photo shoots in police headquarters. These attention seeking incidents had routinely made waves in the internet community and the news - giving her a reputation to her young fan base as a "pop icon," and to the nation's older population as a "prostitute" - but they might be a thing of the past, now.
Critics are unsure of the impact of Lohan's quote, as well. While they unanimously agree that this was a groundbreaking performance for Lohan, they disagree widely about what will likely happen next. Some of the more cynical critics, citing the fact that she swiped Kimmel's coffee cup, claim that there is no reason to expect a change in her behavior. "She's obviously klepto," one says, "She'll be back on Cops and the tabloids in hours." Others, however, see this as the long awaited light at the end of the tunnel for Lohan. "It seems that Lohan finally feels secure enough to appear in front of a camera without her handcuffs, which are obviously a kind of security blanket for her. This is a huge accomplishment for a struggling actress like Lohan." Still others claim that Lohan has been deliberately hiding her acting skills during her early career in order to "suddenly explode into the upper echelons of acting," and consider this to be the "flash point" of a career that is "sure to melt people's fucking faces off." "Lohan has deliberately chosen the life role of 'complete failure' to make her subsequent rise to stardom all the more incredible," one critic who espouses this view tells us at UnNews, "She has set up her life into an allegory of how anyone, no matter how low they fall... can still succeed and reach their dreams. The handcuffs obviously have a significant symbolic nature here: Not only are they are symbols of the poor choices she's made early in her career, they portray the fact that she has, up to this point, literally been acting with 'both hands tied behind her back.' This cuff-less appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! is clearly her showing that she is beginning a new chapter of her life story. We can expect great things from her now."
Watching Lohan stride to her limousine, Kimmel's coffee mug hidden in her skin tight shirt and sticking out like a bad boob job near her bellybutton, it is difficult to tell which prediction will prove true for this struggling actress.