UnNews:Local zookeeper receives sexually threatening phone call from Jay Leno
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Local zookeeper receives sexually threatening phone call from Jay Leno
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 23:01:UTC)(
4 December 2006
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NEW YORK, New York - A local zookeeper at the Bronx Zoo, whose name will not be released to protect his privacy, was the unsuspecting victim of a "sexually threatening" phone call today. He claims that the caller was in fact Jay Leno, host of the arguably popular late night "comedy" program, The Tonight Show. Leno could not be reached for comment, but the zookeeper is in a shattered state of mind.
"He kept referring to my genitalia as being tiny grapes," he told this reporter, "and after that he called his own testicles 'fucking grapefruits'. Oh it was horrible. I felt so intimidated. I can't perform sexually with my wife anymore after this."
It is rumored, yet unconfirmed that the zookeeper's wife is now filing for divorce.
According to the zookeeper, the phone call took place at around 2:45 this afternoon. He claims he was raking gorilla droppings when he heard the phone ringing in his boss' office. After realizing that no one else was there to take the call, he stopped what he was doing to answer the phone. He was then verbally abused by a voice he claims to be Jay Leno for 12 minutes. The zookeeper also claims that he never spoke throughout the conversation, and that the caller never actually attempted to confirm the identity of the zookeeper. "For all I know, he could have been saying that my boss was the one who had tiny balls and not me. But it doesn't change what happened."
The zookeeper is pressing charges against Leno, however the police don't believe that there is much that can be done. "To be honest, we can't confirm that it was in fact Leno in the first place. Also, he's a fucking puss bag who needs to get over the fact that someone who sounds kinda like Jay Leno said he had tiny balls."