UnNews:Local woman not injured, just ugly
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Local woman not injured, just ugly
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 01:28:UTC)(
16 May 2007
KANSAS CITY, Missouri -- Today it was discovered that local woman, Jill Henson, previously reported to have been assaulted with a shovel wasn't actually beaten after all.
On Friday last week Henson was spotted by several witnesses walking down Frankner Street and appeared to have been horribly beaten. Witnesses reported that Henson's face had been severely disfigured.
Another witness described Henson's face as looking like "someone puked on a pile of turds."
Police who investigated the incident told reporters that she steadfastly denied having been beaten. Police escorted the unwilling woman to St. Patrick Hospital for treatment where doctor's, aghast at the sight, said there was nothing they could do.
"Sadly," Dr. Emery Vincent, emergency room surgeon, said, "there was nothing we could do."
While in police custody it was discovered that she was in fact not beaten at all and was in fact just extremely ugly. Henson, in order to prove that no beating had taken place, produced several childhood photographs of herself, which proved beyond doubt that no heinous assault had been recently carried out against her face.
Henson was embarrassed by the incident. "I knew I shouldn't have left the house. I ran out of food and was forced to leave. I'm so ashamed of my hideous face. Why, lord? Why must I live like this?"
No charges have been filed against Henson. Ever the professional, Police Chief S. Holmes said, while it is true "she's one of the ugliest women I've ever seen," careful detection also revealed she "has quite a rack." "There are some redeeming values in most people," the Chief said "and her rather huge set makes up for a lot."