UnNews:Local reporter contracts swine flu
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
2 May 2009
LONDON, UK. It is the outbreak that has struck fear into the hearts of the entire world population, with the potential to become a global pandemic that kills millions. Today the London offices of UnNews International became the epicentre of the transcontinental panic, as it emerged that the latest victim of the deadly swine flu virus is respected journalist, Joseph Trowsicki, 43.
Concerned co-workers offered their sympathy and told Trowsicki that he mustn't worry about that article he'd been struggling with on taxation strategies in the economic downturn. UnNews could always get the work experience kid to finish it for him. Trowsicki's health must come first. What Joe needs now is plenty of bed-rest and to stay away from the office at all costs. He also needs to wash his hands more and throw away his tissues, in accordance with government advice.
The H1N1 virus has already killed hundreds in Mexico and is rapidly spreading to other countries as holiday-makers return home from the infected land. Trowsicki's is a significant case, as he appears to among the first person-to-person transmissions in the United Kingdom. Trowsicki has not been to Mexico recently, although he did visit a Tex-Mex restaurant last Thursday. He would later tell work colleagues that his burrito "Looked a bit funny".
This incident extends an extraordinary run of bad luck for Trowsicki, following on from his bout of SARS during the summer heatwave of 2003 and his bird flu scare last year. There was also that time in the 1980s when Trowsicki briefly had AIDS.
The timing could not have been worse for Trowsicki's family, who had been planning to go away for the weekend to their Devon holiday home, while Joe stayed behind to work on our upcoming colour supplement on the tinned food industry. What's more, it is such a lovely spring day and it's a real shame for Joe to be cooped up inside, quarantined from the world. Trowsicki is believed to be doing well. He has a ready supply of Lemsips at hand and has the DVD reissue of Ferris Bueller's Day Off to keep his spirits up. All here at UnNews wish him a speedy recovery.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|