UnNews:Local police baffled by Millionaire's Suicide
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Local police baffled by Millionaire's Suicide
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 8, 2016, 13:07:UTC)(
10 September 2007
Local polices were baffled by the suicide of local Millionaire John Smith. Smith, a life resident of Pleasant Point Maryland, was found dead last week at the bottom of a drainage ditch on the outskirts of town. An initial police investigation determined that Mr. Smith had committed suicide by shooting himself the in face 8 times with a fully automatic rifle, swallowing several razor blades, tying himself up and then igniting his business attire, all before jumping into a drainage ditch filled with gasoline. Police found, at the scene of the accident, a barely-legible note saying "I committed Suicide and was not Murdered and I love my wife very much and she loves me!", which police believe is Mr. Smith's final note to the world, seemingly written after he had shot himself in the head, due to the fact that ink from the writing is on top of the blood.
According to local Police Chief Francis Zito, John Smith "was a determined man in life and apparently in death. He managed to acquire several million dollars after winning the lottery last year, he married a French supermodel, Claire Proust, he had four adorable children, and was a successful local businessman known for his philanthropy. We believe, however, that Mr. Smith became so successful at life that he simply decided that there was no way his amazing luck could continue. Possibly he felt that his wife would leave him, though that is unlikely since she says she told us in her deposition that she "loved her husband very much, and he loved me" and signed a prenuptial agreement before the marriage as a concession of love, which stipulated that only his death could allow the transfer of Mr. Smith's assets to his wife. As for the motive behind the suicide, we really haven't got a clue, just some ideas. Conjectures. Brainstorms. We think that maybe Mr. Smith thought he would lose his money in the stock market, but we now know that's very unlikely as he had invested it wisely in diversified mutual funds. Perhaps he feared for his children's welfare, because he had enacted several multi-million dollar life insurance policies just days prior to his suicide. Probably he did this as an act of sacrifice to his children, and though none of us can commend his act, nor really understand it, we can relate. Really though, it could have been any number of reason."
The police investigation noted large amounts of evidence from the crime scene including multiple paths of footprints, which police believe is due to Mr. Smith pacing in deep contemplation, tire tracks leading away from the scene and no gun. The official police investigation determined that the suicide probably occurred like this: "At 8:43 AM on Tuesday, July 15th, while taking a check for his lottery winnings to the local United Way in order to donate it to charity, John Smith was overcome with a strong sense of dissatisfaction and fear. He pulled over to the side of the road, seemingly destroyed his check (It was not found at the crime scene and is believed to be incinerated), pulled a fully automatic M-16 Round Assault Rifle from the trunk of his BMW 500, turned it onto fully automatic mode, and shot himself in the face multiple times. He then staggered around until he found several razor blades, which he then ingested. At this point in time it is believed he scrawled his suicide note on an available bloody piece of paper. He then took the lighter from his pocket and proceeded to set himself in fire as he siphoned the gas out of his tank, poured into a drainage ditch and jumped in, ending his life at the unripe age of 28. As this was occuring, we believe that Mr. Smith's assault rifle was stuck in fully automatic mode, explaining the multiple gunshots Mr. Smith received, both before and after the time of death. We believe that due to the rapid fire action of the rifle, it began to bounce around on the ground, and eventually landed in Mr. Smith's car, still firing, and somehow, in its chaotic run, managed to turn the ignition on the car and come to rest on the gas pedal, depressing it, causing the burn out marks left on the road and explaining the absence of Mr. Smith's vehicle, which was later found parked in the Sierra Nevada Desert, still containing the suicide weapon."
Says Officer Zito: "It's a sad story, what you just had to read, and I still have my questions. Like why Mr. Smith only had a BMW 500, when he could have easily had an M5? There are just some things about this suicide that I'll never get over. I'll lose sleep about them forever. It was a grisly scene, but I have no doubt that John Smith killed himself that day. We have his signed suicide note in evidence. Or at least we did. It recently came up missing. But no big deal, the case is already closed."
His local pastor, Reese Unger, had this to say about Mr. Smith: "John Smith was a fine, upstanding individual, one of God's greatest children, a wonderful philanthropist, and a caring husband. The way he took that wife of his, a girl who had been married and divorced seven times prior under his wing was just amazingly charitable. And to think, she had been a down on her luck French model before he met her, living off of alimony. And then when he hit the lottery, he took over a year to think about it and consult with me, but he finally decided to put that money to good use, to give it all away to charity and start back over again with just his loving wife and kids. It's unthinkable that such a kind gentleman as Mr. Smith could have ended his own life. What is this world coming to?"
John Smith was both his high school Prom and Homecoming King, a devoted marathoner, and a devout Baptist. At the time of his suicide he was even planning to take a cruise around the world on the yacht he made by hand using authentic 19th century shipbuilding tools and techhniques, but alas, it was not meant to be. He was even voted voted "Most Likely to Succeed" and "Least Likely to End it All" by his high school class. John Smith is survived by his wife Claire, who was unable to be reached for comment as she is currently grieving on the Las Vegas strip, and four children, none of them by the recently widowed wife.