UnNews:Local men secure enough in masculinity to fuck other men

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3 August 2007

CORONA, California -- The neighborhood of California Meadows, in Corona has always been a sleepy, dull, and quite frankly, boring as shit place to live. The doors of its residents rarely open for more than a drive to work, the fetching of the newspaper, and the town's collective lawn mowing (on Sunday afternoons). Luckily, most of Corona's residents are just as dull and sleepy as the town itself.

Ted Hinker
Ted Hinker: the epitome of heterosexuality.

This American Gothic-esque demeanor came to an end late Thursday night however, when local inhabitants heard sounds akin to those of a polar bear fighting a cage match with Sasquatch. Shocked by the terribly gruesome sounds that so disgustingly floated into their eardrums, two neighbors, Miss Babette Clay, and Mr. Royce Goodman, decided to find out what in God's name was causing such a racket. What they didn't know, and never could have predicted, was exactly what they found: two houses over from the neighborhood park -- where young, innocent children play soccer and make out under the bleachers -- two men, both of self-professed heterosexual orientation, engaging in acts of surprisingly shocking, and quite arousing, sexual nature.

The two men, a one Rod Jenson and one Ted Hinker, were found pleasuring each other's naughty bits with vicious delight, only stopping when our cameramen hit them by accident with the microphone. You know, one of those big fuzzy ones that's attached to a pole...or a rod, or whatever.

Mr. Jenson was the first to attempt clarification of their bizarre sexual activities, admitting to his neighbors, "What you see here before you is exactly what it looks like. I am, indeed, fucking a man." A well respected member of the community for many years, Jenson went on to proclaim that a man, confident in his masculinity, wouldn't mind "putting that confidence to the test." Allegedly, Mr. Jenson's foray into buggery was the final test. In a calm, unaffected manner, Jenson continued his clarification:

Rod Jenkins
Rod Jenson: water polo player, and confirmed heterosexual.
Cquote1 You know, people always say that you should be able to love other guys. You should be able to hug your friends, and kiss foreign visitors to your country on both cheeks (and thereafter, perhaps even kiss them on the face). I've always maintained this philosophy in my own life, and I just thought, you know, if that proves your masculinity, then why not step it up a notch...right? I mean, what's more masculine than having sex with another guy? Seriously, the chicks will be flocking to me in no time. This interview alone is getting 'em hornier by the second. Cquote2

With a warm caress of Mr. Jenson's forearm, Mr. Hinker went on to state:

Cquote1 You know, I've really always been curious, so when Rod came and asked me about this, I thought why not, you know? I mean, he's definitely right after all. You gotta be able to push yourself to the limit. Dream the impossible dream, as he put it. This was our final test, we'd done it a few times, and ya know what? I don't feel gay at all! So I guess the point is: while it might seem like we enjoy banging each other like esctasy-driven ravers, in reality, we're both quite straight. Our sodomy proves this fact completely. Cquote2

The activities committed by the two were far too appalling and heinous to be detailed by UnNews. After all, this is a family broadcast. However, when put to a little test of our own design, the pair seemed to prove that they were indeed quite masculine. UnNews sent five of our most qualified gay men to the apartment that the two now share, in order to remodel their abode and improve the style of their clothing. Both Hinker and Jenson proceeded to kick the gay men's asses into painful submission, and then, excitedly, began fisting each other. Our logic may be slightly flawed however, as the five bruised and bloodied gay men eventually joined in on the fisting shortly after their assault.

As for any further examination of their sexual orientations, Jenson and Hinker have a full schedule ahead of them. "Now that we're fairly certain we aren't gay, a whole new world of possibilities has opened up for us" claims Hinker. "In March, we're going to continue our self-examinations by attending a Gay Pride march in New York City, and thereafter, probably another couple of similar festivals in Miami, San Francisco and Seattle." When asked about their involvement in these seemingly homosexual activities, Hinker merely laughed: "Of course we're not going to be participating in these events. We're not gay."

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