UnNews:Local man masturbated to Anderson Cooper as "God Save The Queen" roared in the background
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Local man masturbated to Anderson Cooper as "God Save The Queen" roared in the background
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 19, 2018, 01:35:UTC)(
29 April 2011
LOS ANGELES, California -- Local television viewer Donald Firmwood, 21, announced on his Facebook wall that he frantically masturbated to famed television anchor Anderson Cooper while "God Save The Queen" played in the background. This came as a shock to virtually no one, except his neighbors who were awakened by Firmwood's orgasmic roaring and a trembling of the earth itself.
"You know, we thought there was a royal march in honor of William and that commoner being married today happening right outside our window, but it was just Donald masturbating to Anderson Cooper again," said seven year old Suzy Anthony, a neighbor of Firmwood who has grownup listening to Donald's orgasmic calls to Anderson Cooper since the death of Pope John Paul II in mid-2005. "You'd think I'd be used to [his orgasmic yells] by now, but he just keeps getting louder and louder every night. The fact CNN had Anderson Cooper reporting on the marriage of two people nobody cares about at 1 AM instead of something heart-wrenching like the tornado cleanup in the South made it worse."
This is not the first time Donald "whacked his weasel" to the image of the silver-maned Cooper and it will not be the last, but Firmwood asserts that "this time it was special" to the bemusement of several acquaintances of Firmwood's.
When questioned by reporters, Sarah Peterson, one of Firmwood's many former girlfriends, reported, "Don thinks every time he masturbates to Anderson Cooper that it's the most important thing ever. It really isn't. There are several other issues that should be addressed, such as the plight of migrant farm workers or the massacre in Bahrain. Don masturbating to Anderson Cooper just isn't important, it isn't news, and it's the reason why I left him." When asked how many times Donald masturbated to Anderson Cooper instead of having sex with her, the 20 year old Sarah began crying profusely.
According to initial reports, Anderson Cooper began a colloquy with fellow CNN reporter Piers Morgan and some other broad nobody knows the name of when the topic of "bacon butties" came up. Piers Morgan and the broad nobody knows the name of began a baffling conversation about what Prince Harry, best known by Americans as "The one Brit who showed up to fight those towel-heads", would be serving as his all-night after-party. Suddenly, Pierce Morgan said he knew Prince Harry had a fondness for "bacon butties." Befuddled, Anderson began keeping them honest and questioned the duo about what a "bacon butty" was. The two told the intrepid Cooper a "bacon butty" was a sandwich of some sort. This visibly perked the interest of both Anderson Cooper, who requested to be served a "bacon butty", and Donald Firmwood, who grabbed his iPod, attached to a makeshift neighborhood-wide loud speaker system, and began scrolling for a song. That song was "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols.
Less than five minutes passed before Anderson was served a "bacon butty" live on CNN. Donald quickly turned the volume up to eleven and began masturbating with the wrath of a God.
The entire neighborhood began shaking, thereby registering a 5.9 earthquake on the Richter scale. Seismologists are unsure if the shaking was caused by the booming of "God Save The Queen" or if it was the sheer force of Donald's hand moving up and down his throbbing cavernous tissue.
"It could have just been a regular earthquake," said FEMA director Craig Fugate. "After all, it was in Los FUCKING Angeles!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|