UnNews:Local man has no idea who won DWTS last night
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Local man has no idea who won DWTS last night
Straight talk, from straight faces
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 15:37:UTC)(
24 November 2010
LOS ANGELES, California -- The eleventh season of ABC's hit show Dancing with the Stars came to a close last night, but don't tell this to local television viewer Donald Firmwood. Tuesday morning Firmwood, 21, announced on his Facebook wall that he had no idea who won the finale of DWTS nor did he care despite numerous friends trying to pressure him to watch it just a day before.
"Look," said Firmwood to an acquaintance who posted on his wall, "I really don't give two shits about some fucking B-list celebrities dancing, and I especially don't give a flying fuck if one of them is that stupid cunt Sarah Palin's daughter."
When further pressed on the matter by a few friends, Firmwood confessed to watching Christina Aguilera's performance of her 2002 hit song "Beautiful", but "that was it!"
"Fine dudes, I was changing through the channels just killing time before Conan came on and I saw Christina Aguilera on the TV. That's when I reached over to the lotion and began whacking [my] weasel with the ferocity of a thousand suns. I didn't realize it was that shitty dancing show till after I fin - I mean - until after she finished [singing]. That's when I changed the channel cause I don't give a fucking damn about that type of shit." Another friend of Donald's, a James HugoWang Meade, 19, commented further, "Whacking with the ferocity of a thousand suns? Hell, that could be a new show: Jizzin' with the Stars! lol!"
This is not Donald's first time trying to purposefully avoid some shitty reality show only to end up pleasuring himself to it instead. In July 2010, Donald accidentally changed the channel to Bravo TV and masturbated to an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta for over thirty minutes before he realized it wasn't a softcore Cinemax porn.
Several female friends, including ex-girlfriend Samantha Thorstein, called him "a sexist pig." They also commented that Bristol Palin's ability to make it to the final three simply served as a proxy to how well Sarah Palin will do in her 2012 Presidential campaign. Donald replied to this by saying, "So, what you're saying is, Sarah Palin would finish THIRD in a two-person Presidential race?! HAHAHAHA! STUPID CONSERVATIVE BITCHES! Lrn2maths."
In other news, local 21 year old Donald Firmwood's number of Facebook friends dropped from over 300 to a low of 128. For some odd reason, all but one of Firmwood's female friends de-friended him, leaving Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as his only female friend.