UnNews:Local man's malignant stomach tumor miraculously dissolves into fat

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19 July 2010

Fatlas

Artist's rendition of Mr. Luke, and frankly the only non-repulsive picture of him.

HOUSTON, Texas - Local Texan and human vacuum, Victor Luke received excellent news this afternoon, as his first check up on his malignant stomach tumor ended with the discovery that it was no longer a tumor growing in his stomach, because the tumor had become pure body fat. Following his ultrasound inspection the doctor released a statement explaining the strange medical miracle: "Mr. Luke is incredibly lucky that this happened. We believe that the tumor that had been growing in his stomach finally decided that it was a bad tumor and was hurting an innocent man, and thus disintegrated. It's probably true!"

The news that Mr. Luke was not going to die (of a malignant stomach tumor) was breath of fresh air for him and his family, followed immediately by a shortness of breath and a mad dash for the Twinkies box they keep in the car at all times. But it wasn't all good news. Dr. Charles Lindon warned Luke that if he kept up eating the way he was that the tumor may come back, and be more malignant than before, and offered to set him up on a diet and exercise regimen, until the threat of the tumor subsided completely.

The tumor was first discovered growing in Mr. Luke's stomach the morning after his high school graduation party, where he engorged on appetizers, before enjoying several angus beef cheeseburgers, and between 1 and 5 steaks. "His complaints about stomach pains the day after were very distressing. I had to bring him to the doctor," recalled his mother.

And it was a good thing she did. The doctors explained that the tumor had probably been lying dormant in his stomach for years, before the copious amounts of food spurred its growth the night before, and with any more aid, it could have killed him.

Mr. Luke's stomach was the first stomach in the United States to exhibit the odd behavior, and chances are, in the entire world, although Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Il claims that he has experienced Dissolving Tumor Syndrome once a month for the last 6 years, however proof has yet to be given.

As for Mr. Luke, he has begun a campaign to officially name this medical phenomenon "Victor Luke Syndrome." Kim Jong-Il has yet to issue a statement regarding the campaign.

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