UnNews:Local fairy proclaimed strongest
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Local fairy proclaimed strongest
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 00:00:UTC)(
22 February 2015
Human Village, Gensokyo
Local residents are asstonished seeing teh one 60 year old fairy being teh strongest, teh smartest and teh best. They could not handle teh epicness of teh epicness of Cirno, teh strongest fairy in teh world, rivaling Yeep Man, Bus Lee, teh Doozen Gaben dolls, Bidoof Pitler, and even Bejus Krist. She's just dat epic.
Years earlier, Cirno teh first, last and only strongest fairy in Gensukyu managed to defeat Juge Deth and became teh ruler of Lembu, but Cirno is just too epic for teh job and decided to freeze some frogs on teh lake nearby, which is more epic dan having to sit herr
fat ass and deciding if person X will go to Hevun or Hell, which is good since if she duz juge then Pitler will go to Hevun and piss off Krist.
"Cirno is indeed teh strongest", says a local journalist who is busy kissing teh feet of teh Big Epic Statue of Cirno, "whenever she says teh numba 9, my pants go poot-poot and start to smell, but eye consider it as a blessing from teh epic fairy." Because of this event, a Shinto shrine dedicated to Cirno was built in honor of her special abilities. Every September 9 (especially in 2009), people will gather and do seriomonial dances and donate frozen frogs to teh shrine and honor Cirno, teh one and only strongest fairy in Gensukyu. In return, Cirno will create snufall all over teh place and every1 will make Cirno snowmen. A very spesal occasion will happen in September 9, 9999 where, if teh world is liberated of Cirno rebels, everyone will create teh biggest fairy celebration in teh world.
Self-proclaimed "intelligent" critics, however, claim that teh epicness of Cirno is a fux. Rotten Tomatoes gave Cirno a certified "rotten" 2% rating, saying "Cirno is neither the strongest fairy in the world, nor is she the smartest. She always answers any question with the number 9 and she could not even lift a minicar. Plus, she claims to be 60 years old even though she looks like she's only 10, how is she the strongest?". Fortunately, teh loyal followers of Cirno murdered everyone who is con to Cirno, sparking a Civil War in all countries all over teh world. Monaco is safe because teh rich over der are too busy throwing masterbaits on the ocean to catch bishes on der yats.
Cirno, teh strongest and smartest fairy, holds 100% of Japan as herr loyal followers, with teh resistanses being Kurea, Rosha, Diewon, Malaise and Ejakularta (because dey hate weeaboos). She is currently living on teh misty lake freezing frogs like teh epic fairy she is, sometimes freezing a local humanfish by accident.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|