UnNews:Local crossword baffles man
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Local crossword baffles man
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, October 28, 2016, 12:32:UTC)(
May 26 2009
DALLAS, Texas -- Crosswords tend to usually puzzle the average citizen in a challenging and normally enjoyable way. Some of harder words and clues and others, of easier. However, one Texas man just can't seem to figure his out.
"Damned puzzle. How am I supposed to figure any of this out?", said Frank Calhoun, a thirty-eight year old man who lives just outside of Dallas. "I mean, how the hell am I supposed to know what the hell a three letter word for 'definite article' is? Jesus. How do these crossword producers come up with this crap?", he remarked after reading some of the clues on his one star puzzle.
He gets his crosswords from a fifth grade teacher at his son's school. "He said he wanted something to pass the time while waiting for the cable guy to come to his home to fix the TV", said the teacher. "Turns out my easiest crossword that my fourth and fifth graders get done in under a minute was just a bit too hard for this man," she said. Even Franks's son can solve the puzzle. He offers his father help, but his dad always denies his offer.
"He says 'Fuck off son, go look a Playboy or something!' I don't even know what that means", said his ten year old son, Kevin. "Sometimes I laugh at him cause he can't figure it out. That was a big mistake on my part. I'm pretty sure I'll have these scars all my life."
"Just look at this," says Frank, "A four letter word for 'something that opens and closes with a doorknob'. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I think it's 'bear' but, of course, my son here says no. Well it just so happens I'm the dad here so the answer is BEAR!" Frank has about three of 50 clues filled in on his crossword. The three he has filled in are are four letter word for 'a structure that gets in your way', which he put 'duck', a three letter word for 'canine', where he put 'red', and a five letter word for 'dark color', where he put 'pudding'.
"Eventually I'll finish the damn puzzle," he says. Due to his inability to solve the puzzle, his family members have entered him to enter the show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? to see how quickly he would be eliminated from the show.
"It's not my fault this crossword doesn't make any sense. Why don't you come solve it, then, eh?" After making this proposal to our interviewer, the interviewer went and solved the puzzle. "Ah, he was the one who made it," mumbled a dissatisfied Frank.
The teacher later admitted, "Okay, let's cut the crap. He's a bloody idiot!"