Local baby born without a soul

Where man always bites dog

UnNews Logo Potato
Thursday, February 21, 2019, 23:35:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

5 December 2006

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.

He feeds on your secrets.

VERMONT, Oregon -- Local doctors were stunned and puzzled by the appearance of a newborn baby suffering from Hypovitaelia, commonly known as Lack of Soul. The landmark case was a first for genetic scientists and occult researchers alike, easily eclipsing last year's Vampire Baby and the ever-popular Quadruplegic Koala Boy.

"I didn't think anything unusual had happened," obstetrician James Holmes explained. "But then the midwife started shouting, My eyes are burning! My eyes are burning! As you can imagine, it caused quite a stir."

The soul, according to many religious traditions and numerous self-help books, is a self-aware ethereal substance unique to each living being. In these traditions the soul is thought to incorporate the inner essence of each living being, and to be the true basis for sentience. Although people occasionally lose their souls through demonic pacts or, less frequently, forgetfulness, this is the first time a human being as actually been born without one.

The child's parents have thus far avoided media exposure and refuse to make public appearances. The mother, Carol Summers, denied our requests for an interview. She warned reporters, "Don't ever sleep. He can hear you dream," then burst into hysterical laughter while stabbing herself repeatedly in the eye.

With a fork.

No, really.

Despite the lack of a soul, the baby was born at a heavy 9 pounds 6 ounces, with all ten fingers and toes. The parents have not decided on a name for the child, although it refers to itself as The Nameless Thing Of Twilight Slumber. Given the child's talent for speaking in dead languages, his pediatrician recommends he begin preschool early.

"Our little nameless horror is quite a handful," a visibly exhausted Holmes said. "It's hard raising a child who can fingerpaint your sins. Hopefully, he'll tire of us by the end of year, and I'll finally be able to sleep again."