UnNews:Local Tot discovers eldritch horror
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Local Tot discovers eldritch horror
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 25, 2016, 17:40:UTC)(
15 December 2006
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SOUTH HAVEN, Michigan -- A local tot, Nancy Willings, 6, out exploring a frozen lake with her father, Matt, discovered an acursed abomination and an affront to the laws of God, man and Nature frozen in the lake ice -- the hideous homicidal monster created by the late Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
According to authorities who were quickly contacted, the wretched fiend, which was pieced together from corpses snatched from graves and gallows, appears to be completely intact and remarkably well-preserved. University of Michigan extension anthropology professor, Gary Walsh, suggests the preservation is no doubt due to Dr. Frankenstein's still-mysterious method of preparing the tissues for assembly, and the strange energies used in the re-animation process.
"Yeah, there are plenty of people still scratching their heads over that stuff," said Walsh. "Finding the actual monster, though, might be a big help to figuring it all out."
The monster was last seen in 1958, when it ran amok and killed several students from the University of Michigan at Kalamazoo who were visiting South Haven on spring break. The townspeople burned Dr. Frankenstein's estate and laboratory to the ground in an attempt to corner and destroy the creature, but no bodies were ever discovered.
The Frankensteins relocated to Michigan from Bavaria in 1937 to escape the threat of World War II, and had run a psychiatric hospital and mortuary service that served the local community for many years.
The monster will be removed from the ice over the weekend by a multi-disciplinary team from the University of Michigan and the Michigan State Police.
When asked about the possibility of reviving the monster, Walsh replied, "Well, it's tempting, but every time that's been done, it's caused nothing but problems. Personally, I'd love to see the old guy up and walking around again, but it's really not my call."