UnNews:Local Bully Voted Bully of the Year
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Local Bully Voted Bully of the Year
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 28, 2016, 18:06:UTC)(
1 August 2008
ATLANTA, Georgia -- Local bully Johnathan "Tombstone" Powers, age 10, was declared the official Bully of the Year this previous Wednesday.
"Tombstone has, this year, performed over a thousand instances of bullying in his local elementary school," quoted Markus Sauer, leader of the Bullying Federation of America. "This amount is unprecedented and came exceptionally close to the world record for bullying. Without a doubt, Tombstone is a role model for all those who will follow in his footsteps. His constant vigilance and attention have left no nerd, geek, or fanboy left un-swirlied, not a single loser left without a most severe Indian Burn."
Tombstone, while quickly dismissing the award as "super-gay" and "exceptionally faggy", was clearly pleased to receive it. "Nerds," he said, his trophy in his hands. "This was just the beginning for you. Believe me, next year is going to be even worse. I got some ideas. You ain't gonna get away, not ever." Tombstone then leaned forward and pounded the desk with his fist. "And especially you, four-eyes. You know who you are."
Tombstone also indicated that he is planning to use some of the prize money to invest in brand new bullying equipment. "I'm hoping to make the leap from simple bully to super bad ass juvenile delinquent," he said. "Gonna buy me some spraypaint, maybe an Airsoft. I gots a great year ahead of me."