UnNews:Livingstone's debt to the mob 'won't affect mayoral campaign'
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Livingstone's debt to the mob 'won't affect mayoral campaign'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 23:22 (UTC)
4 April 2008
London, England -Mayor Ken Livingstone has today defended his actions in losing the entirety of the London 2012 Olympics lottery funding in a foolhardy attempt to boost the Pound. Livingstone was allegedly visiting friends in Baker Street when he found himself drawn into the poker match with five others, which unbeknownst to him were all members of the Italian Mafia. Seeing his chance to help Britain's knifedge economy, he instantly bet the entire £2.7 billion fund for the Olympics.
The revelation comes a month before he faces the capital's voters in seeking re-election.
Speaking to the BBC, Livingstone said "I was absolutely confident that the money was completely safe. Although I have never bet in my life, I have seen Casino Royale three times, and I heard it was really realistic. Fat use!"
Shortly after betting the money Livingstone realised he was fighting a losing battle. When he attempted to withdraw the funds and escape, he was held at gunpoint by local man Tommy DeVito, who was this afternoon praised for his brave actions despite not really doing the right thing and pulling the trigger.
"I just did what had to be done" said DeVito "This guy was comin' in, acting like king o' the fuckin' hill, and he starts betting this crazy fuckin' money. Now usuallly I actually find a bitta entertainment in these motherfuckas, but this guy was a nut. I was scared for my life at some points. You never knew what he was gonna fuckin' do!"
Another bystander, going only by the name of Spider said "You could tell he was shitfaced, so I thought he was just kidding about the money, but it turns out he was actually the Mayor. Who elects these fuckers?"
Livingstone has since been evicted from his multi-million pound London offices, which are now being used by the Mafia until Livingstone pays up. However, the London Mayor does not think that this will change the general public's view of him. "Everyone thinks I'm a money-wasting tosser anyway. They'll probably be glad the Mafia has the money now. It might win me some votes. Voters have never taken an interest in my private life before, mainly due to me being a boring old bastard."
The London Mayor has been given three day's notice to "go home and get his fucking shinebox". More news as it comes in.
- Red Ken caught with his trowsers down again! April 03, 2008