UnNews:Living creatures found to be bad for other living creatures
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Living creatures found to be bad for other living creatures
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
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21 December 2009
In a shocking new report from scientist Pamela Lillian Isley, it has been found that living creatures are actually bad for other living creatures, and the Earth which we
invade inhabit. The study has found that every living creature creates CO2, a greenhouse gas, which kills our nurturing planet. Each creature's carbon footprint (or paw print, if you will) has an effect on our Mother Earth, and it is killing her. Dogs, for instance, eat things. The things that they eat probably ate plants, or ate things that ate plants. This means that dogs are killing the Earth. Plus, dogs also create feces, which has HUGE amounts of CO2. So not only do dogs eat things, but they also poop after doing so. As such dogs are one of the most dangerous creatures to inhabit the Earth today.
Dr. Isley was also shocked to find out that there are other creatures on this planet that cause damage to it. It is said that cats, who most think are just harmless sleepers, are in fact plotting to destroy us all. While cats, like dogs, eat things, and poop, they have decided that it is not okay to poop outside, but instead have to use a special substance known as "kitty litter" to do their business. This kitty litter is often times created by killing things like trees, barley, and various plants, and processing them into a crystal-like substance. So, not only do cats force themselves to eat the Earth, and poop, but they also poop on the same parts of the Earth that they eat. While this has not been found to actually harm the Earth in any way, it is said to be very degrading.
The study did not find that only typical "household pets" are killing our Mother. Even things like fish are found to be hurting the precious Earth. The Earth has been able to create a magical thing known as "water" which it nicely donates to the fish as a house. Have these fish given thanks to Earth for this? Have they kept their rented homes clean? No! Dr. Isley's study finds that the water is actually the most dangerous place to live in the world. Murder rates are up 6% just this last year. Gangs of fish (going by their street term "schools") roam freely in the water. Often times these gangs are based purely on the species involved, and its racial lines. As such, most of the murders found in the water can very easily be classified as "hate crimes." However, these fish do not stop there. Reports show that often times, following the murder of a fish, the murdering fish proceeds to cannibalize itself on the dead. A more gruesome outcome, I shudder to fantasize about. And then, just like all the other living creatures that are attacking their homes, these fish go right ahead and poop! Right inside the water that Mother Earth has so kindly rented out to them. The nerve!
Dr. Isley's report however, does not stop there. It finds that, in fact, the most harmful living creature to us all, is actually man ourselves. Not only do we do all of the other things already mentioned above, but we also take plants, and burn them. We take the lush, beautiful Earth that we all love and cherish, and we eat its plants, and we burn it. While many humans are unaware that they are hostiles in the battle against Earth, they would undoubtedly refuse to stop eating, breathing and pooping even if it were for something as important as saving Mother Earth and its inhabitants. The laziness found within these humans is plainly despicable. Humans do have one saving grace according to Dr. Isley though. We often kill other living creatures, and that, Dr. Isley says, is the only way to go about saving every living thing on this planet. Through the unbridled killing of every living creature that parasitically destroys the Earth, we may be able to save it. Now, Dr. Isley is clear in saying that killing yourself should be the last option. Instead, you should go out and kill others who are less willing to perform this task on behalf of saving our world. Killing the animals that desecrate on our home should come next, and then killing yourself. Without this necessary task of killing everything that breathes, nothing is safe from the destruction that we living creatures are causing.
- Isabelle Toussaint and Jurgen Hecker "Polluting pets: the devastating impact of man's best friend". AFP, Decmber 20, 2009