UnNews:Living May Be Dangerous To Your Health, Say Experts
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
23 November 2007
A recent study from the School of Hard Knox in Knoxville, TN has revealed startling data: people who are living may have a greater risk of death than those who are deceased. The exact amount of increased risk that the living suffer is unknown, but it is estimated to be in the range of 100 percent.
"Take this example," said Alfonso Horteber, a medical researcher at Hard Knox. "John is a hearse driver. One day, he's driving a dead passenger, Jerry, to a cemetary. Suddenly, a semi truck veers in front of the car. John, who was not wearing his seatbelt, is impaled on his steering wheel and dies instantly. Jerry was not wearing a seatbelt either, and suffered similar injuries, is not killed. I think you get the picture of how risky being alive can be."
Horteber cites a recent experiment. "We took a dozen living guys and shot them in the head. They all died within five seconds. Then, we did the same to a dozen dead guys, and believe it or not, none of them died. Being alive, on the other hand, is possibly the greatest cause of death across the world."
But how risky is being alive? Take these statistics. Over one hundred billion living people are estimated to have died over the course of history, compared to zero known instances of dead people dying. In terms of percentage, you are 100% more likely to die if you are living than if you are dead.
What is there to be done about the startling problem? "We are exploring two ways to prevent death," said Horteber. "First, we have hundreds of researchers working on a cure for it, but we are making little progress. The second is the only known way to prevent death at this time: to stop ourselves, and others, from living."
Many steps have been taken to prevent the dangerous condition of life across the world. In the U.S., the surgeon general has issued a warning that must be shown to all babies that "Living has been proven to be a serious hazard to your health." In the state of California, abortions are now mandatory, and Texas has started a "Shoot Your Neighbor" program to try to encourage entire communities to stop people from living. The LA (Livers Anonymous) organization has also become extremely successful. Across the world, reactions are even more extreme. In China, residents are now required to "shoot themselves in the head or face the death penalty." In Sweden, the government is offering a free retirement plan to any who commit suicide.
"Living is extremely dangerous and can cause death," said Susan Hopkins, president of Livers' Anonymous. "Just say no!" She then put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger.