UnNews:Litvinenko investigators find polonium at North Pole; Santa implicated
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Litvinenko investigators find polonium at North Pole; Santa implicated
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Monday, January 16, 2017, 22:34:UTC)(
9 December 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
LONDON, England -- British investigators continuing their inquiry into the death of former KGB officer Alexander Litvinenko made a startling discovery Saturday. Officials announced that traces of the radioactive element polonium-210 were found at a North Pole factory, directly implicating Santa Claus in the suspicious poisoning.
The findings indicate that lethal doses of the substance were once stored at the factory, and even in Santa's personal office. A warrant has been issues for Mr. Claus, and many of his elves are already being interrogated in connection with the crime.
Russian Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned with a deadly does of polonium-210 at a gay strip club in London last month, and suspicion was laid on the Kremlin, going as far up as Comrade Putin himself. The new revelations, however, do not absolve him of the crime. In fact, Santa has often been suspected as an agent for the Russians. "His attire is entirely red - a clear sign of communist beliefs," explained a Scotland Yard detective. His practice of giving out presents equally to all - both rich and poor - was listed as another indicator.
Mr. Claus is strongly denying the allegations, although he doesn't have a clear alibi for the night of the poisoning. Top elves from his office gave conflicting accounts at to his whereabouts. Meanwhile, spokes-reindeer Rudolph issued a statement claiming that "Santa is completely innocent of these baseless charges. The polonium and other radioactive substance traces found at the toy workshop were simply from presents prepared for North Korean leader Kim Jong Il."
Many suspect that Litvinenko himself knew Santa was the culprit, although he didn't say so publicly because he didn't want all the children of the world to be disappointed. Litvinenko converted to Islam on this deathbed, presumably so he wouldn't have to be associated with Santa and Christianity in the afterlife.
The poisoning itself is said to have occurred at the raunchy Pine Club in London's red light district on November 1st. Litvinenko participated in a gay orgy and investigators have since detected traces of polonium in all participants. The lethal dose that killed him could have been inside a bottle of lube. Increasing the suspicion on Santa is the fact that the identity of one of the orgy members was not verified, and many recall him looking like "an old, fat gentleman with a big white beard."