UnNews:Litter attacks mob cops
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Litter attacks mob cops
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 29, 2016, 07:49:UTC)(
18 July 2008
CROYDON, South London - Two policemen in Croydon were today assaulted by maniacal pieces of run-away litter. The on-duty cops, thought to be part of a crack team of elite bobbies trained to take down London mobs trying to impersonate Italians, were strolling down a city lane, when they noticed a teenage girl drop two pieces of litter. The cops asked her to pick up the litter, and she complied, albeit slightly too quickly for the officers' liking.
However, things took a turn for the worse when the litter dropped itself onto the ground a mere three seconds later. The girl, realising what had just happened, turned tail and fled, possibly to a nearby computer to tell the sordid story on MySpace or Facebook. No record of this has been found so far, however, although the two sites' databases are currently being searched carefully by the Civil Service.
The policemen, however, made no realisations about the sentience of the litter, and attempted to pick the pieces up in order to put them into a local whatever-type-of-paper-it-was recycling storage facility, as under UK law, if they had placed the litter in a bin, they would be forced to give themselves a fifty pound fine. Upon collection, however, the litter went, to quote one of the men on duty, "stark raving mad", bouncing around madly in an order to free itself. This gave the the cops many nasty paper cuts, and an extremely confused mindset. But the worst was yet to come.
"It was horrible." explains Abigail Edwards, wife of one of the policemen assaulted. "The pieces of litter must have some kind of weird braincell thing inside them. They went and slashed...they slashed him right open. I mean, even further into him than I've seen, and believe me I've seen a lot of that." Abigail then proceeded to show many diagrams, none of which are printable in a family news report.
The local police station says the devilish duo of the dustbin are not being looked for, as "We are unfortunately unable to prosecute pieces of paper at the time. However, we are looking to change that, starting with this damn script I'm reading, typos and all!". The pieces of litter were unavailable for comment, due to having no orifice for words to emanate from.