UnNews:Listening to Metallica music proves to be "torture"

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3 November 2009

Metallica

Metallica, master interrogators at work.

TEH PENTAGON, Washington DC -- In the wake of recent investigations into torture at Guantanamo Bay, a particularly brutal means has been revealed: forced listening to Metallica.

The use of rock music as a torture device is, in fact, a method commonly used by the US Army. This method is banned by the UN Convention Against Torture, but permitted under US law.

Guantanamo Bay spokesperson Sergeant Andrew Bowman said in a statement that the use of "truly awful music" ro torture detainees was one of the most effective methods for breaking their wills to live. “They can't take it. After 24 hours of Dethklok or AC/DC exposure, most shit themselves, drool, tremble, lose their minds... and in the end, we get a perfectly cogent statement. This assignment suits me because I'm a sadist ass, and I love death metal.”

Rock bands such as Pearl Jam and R.E.M. have signed a petition demanding the Pentagon release a list of musicians and artists whose work has been used to torture.

Tom Morello, of the band Rage Against the Machine, in response to the Government’s purported use of their music, said: “It sickens me to think that the art I’ve created is used for evil purposes. It’s just not right. It’s not the musicians’ original intention for their music to be used to hurt people. It may be Dick Cheney's America, but not mine.”

It is rumoured that this list contains such notables as Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. The brutality is compounded by forcing detainees to watch Barney and Friends and marathons of Grey's Anatomy to the point of stupified exhaustion, insanity and sometimes, if possible, death.

ON ANOTHER TACK

For completely different reasons, Lars Ulrich, of Metallica, has formed a coalition to oppose the playing of their music in military prisons. For years, the military has obtained the music from internet file-sharing software, clearly a violation of Copyright laws in most nations. Says Mr. Ulrich, "Listening to our music for free is the same as theft. The military prisoners and their staff are getting for free, what Uncle Sam should have paid for." Legal proceedings are underway along these lines.

A former detainee, speaking through Amnesty International, spoke of being stripped, hooded, and forced to listen to loud, bad rock music for prolonged periods. “It was very horrible! The same three chords played over and over again, and the lyrics don’t make sense!” he said. Dick Cheney is reported by the Huffington Post to be sentenced to death for use of torture.

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