UnNews:Lion-killing dentist goes to earth

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Lion-killing dentist goes to earth

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31 July 2015


Recent photo of Walter Palmer on his last lion shoot.

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota -- Lion-killer Walter Palmer is now a dentist on the run, after it was revealed he was the man who shot Cecil the Lion King of Zimbabwe.

The heartless trophy hunter had paid $50,000 to shoot a lion while on vacation in Zimbabwe. He said he chose Cecil because the "beast" kept waking him up as lay asleep in his safari motor home by climbing a mountain and roaring Be Prepared. When Cecil cleared his throat and was about to sing Hakuna Matata, Palmer took out his assault rifle and shot Cecil dead.

It was only when I found that cat was wearing some tree-hugging scientific equipment that I realized that perhaps I should have shot a different lion, admitted Palmer, as he made a Skype call from an undisclosed location to UnNews. My damned bad luck, I think. But heck, I have shot more lions in the past than I have removed wisdom teeth at my dental practice. Everyone knew I went on hunting tours; I always posted the photos.


Dr. Palmer Senior:'Vot's der vuss?'

But now it is Palmer who is being tracked. Zimbabwe says Cecil was a huge hard-currency earner at the Hwange National Park and is now demanding compensation. Animal-rights organization PETA has put out "Wanted Dead, Alive, or Skinned" posters on the Internet. This has led to many people who share the same name as the hunter receiving death threats and lion excrement shoved in their mailboxes.

Palmer's father, retired Nazi war criminal Dr. Christian Schnell!-Schnell!! Palmer, said he couldn't understand the fuss. He would have talked more, but had Dustin Hoffman coming in for fillings, extractions, and supplying involuntary information.

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