UnNews:Lindsay Lohan homeless, nobody cares
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Lindsay Lohan homeless, nobody cares
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 25, 2017, 04:59:UTC)(
1 October 2006
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LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- After starring in such flops as Just My Luck and A Prairie Home Companion, Lindsay Lohan has fallen very far, very fast. After dying her hair blonde, then black, later green, and dirt brown plus cornflower blue, she has finally decided that she should go back to red. After all, the carpet should match the drapes. However, her decision to try looking halfway normal again came too late, as she had lost all her money as a result of throwing wild parties with 700 of her closest friends. It is unclear whether the money was 'lost' due to the cost of throwing such parties, or whether she simply allowed it to be stolen from her diamond encrusted handbag while smashed out of her skull during one of them.
Now, with nowhere to go and no willing fans' houses to sleep at, Lindsay is homeless. Her ten different boyfriends, who each forced her to buy them a luxury car and a private country, are "frankly not being as sympathetic as we would like" to Ms. Lohan's current plight, according to sources close to the destitute
Walking around aimlessly in the cold state of Nevada, Lindsay doesn't even have enough money to eat. However due to the fact that she doesn't really eat anyway this isn't her primary problem. Nobody is quite sure how long it will take for Lindsay to get back on top, but experts say at this rate Lindsay won't star in an infocommercial for at least another decade.