UnNews:Lindsay Lohan dries out in rehab
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18 January 2007
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LOS ANGELES, CA - Actress Lindsay Lohan (20) checked herself into the City of Angeles Detoxification Center, deciding, she said, “to see if a person can survive on just water and Jamba Juice” instead of the quart of gin per day that she typically drinks.
She has asked her fans to show their support for her by sending “gifts, money, and, for those who earn minimum wage, greeting cards.” She added, “But, please, no get well cards. They’re so depressing.”
As part of her detoxification treatment, Lohan will continue to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. However, as a celebrity, she will have to act as if no one knows who she is. She told Peeps magazine that she’s been attending such meetings for over a year, but “they haven’t really worked too well, because I’ve thought of them more as meet-and-greet meetings, where I could maybe pick up a new boy toy who likes lady lushes.”
She says she is doing well: “I haven’t had a drink in over seven seconds now.” The actress said she never drank liquor at clubs because “I’m underage.” She’d rather drink at the homes of her friends. “They don’t care if serving me a few dozen martinis is contributing to my delinquency as a minor, because, hey, I’m pretty much a wild child even without their help.”
Lohan claimed that she is “dead serious” about not drinking anymore. “I intend to dry out permanently," she told Uncyclopedia reporter Lotta Lies. “There will be no more beer, wine coolers, or gin for this girl. From now on, it’s crystal meth and pot and maybe a little cocaine on occasion.”