UnNews:Limbo recalled in several countries due to injury risk
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Limbo recalled in several countries due to injury risk
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 16:48:UTC)(
14 October 2012
NEW YORK CITY, New York -- The United Nations have released a new press report regarding the dangers and limits of many, many first-, second-, and third-world problems, including AIDS, BDSM, Cats, SPAM, and even an army of Fisher Price toys. Probably the most unusual "dangerous thing" in the report, however, was the Limbo, a traditional dance emerging from, I don't know, 4000 miles away in Trinidad and Tobago. The Limbo dance originated from even before our parents existed, and it is part of the culture of the country mentioned above. A basic overview of the dance is that one has to successfully dance under a horizontal pole usually positioned 2-3 feet above the ground. However, it did not become officially popular until some bitch from the USA popularized it, and now it is the fourth most played party game of all time, behind beer pong, Mario Party, and Sex.
However, after the release of this year's United Nations press report, the dance has been reported illegal in a heavy number of countries due to international complaints from a number of people, including kids, Asians, and fat people. The main complaints that came from the international population was that a number of injuries had occurred in most of the participants of the cases while trying to get underneath the horizontal pole. The United Nations, supporting to these complaints, released a so-called list titled Limbo and other Bullshit, the Top 20 Problems Dealing With, Of, or Pertaining to the Limbo Dance. The case that topped the list, however, was that of 7-year old Joey McBride from Cheyenne, Wyoming.
On January 4th, 2012, Joey was at his 7th birthday party when the host requested a game of Limbo to be played. Joey, who knew about the game, successfully convinced his friends to play the game with him. 10 minutes into the game, however, when children started complaining about back/leg pain and tension, Joey came up to the pole. With a little bit of Smash Mouth playing in the background, Joey bent back, walked forward... and hurt his backbone severely and twisted his kneecap. Joey was rushed to the hospital, where he was put on anesthesia and performed surgery upon. Joey eventually did survive the ordeal, but he is now very protected of himself and his well-being.
"I can't believe I actually survived that," Joey told UnNews. "It was scary." Joey also advises kids of his age "not to play this dangerous game, or it will scar you for life".
His mother, however, was concerned about the event. Not only was she the one who persuaded for full medical care on Joey and even reported the case to the United Nations, but she also was the one who filed a lawsuit against the man and demanded that he go to jail. The case was eventually settled 2 months after it began, and the host of the party eventually moved away to Las Vegas after the ordeal.
Cases similar to Joey's were also reported later in the list from more places around the globe, including cases such as Denis Kokoshkin (A teenage Russian boy who suffered from a broken spine while Limbo-ing on December 17th, 2011) and Giuseppe Bonaparte (A young
girl boy from Geneva, Switzerland who suffered similar, but not as intense, injuries as Joey) Because of these growing cases, poles have been recalled from nearly every store in the United States (NOTE: This was the largest recall of poles since the rise of the Hot Pole Theory in 1983) and Barack Obama, the fascist dictator president of the United States ratified a law under the title Joey's Law yesterday. This law abolishes all things that have to with Limbo, including Limbo (A term pertaining to the afterlife conditions of those who die; derived from the Catholic religion), Limbo (the dance), Limbo (A 2011 puzzle-platform game), several other media under the title of Limbo, and poles. As a reference to dystopian culture, this law requires all closed spaces with any of the items abolished mentioned above to be burnt. Finally, to make matters more widespread and controversial, the United Nations and approximately 93 have approved their own laws which are similar to Joey's Law.
Many other supporters, on the other hand, have disapproved Joey's Law, one of which is Mitt Romney, currently the
tyrannical Republican candidate for the elections of the new US President this November.
"This ruling is fucked up," Romney stated in an interview with UnNews. "So is the economy. And the world.
Vote for me, and I will make the world a better place."
Romeny Rnemoy Romney, there are still millions of anti-Joey's Law members around the world, primarily consisting of strippers and Limbo dancers from Trinidad and Tobago. A large amount of protests have occurred shortly after the United Nations allowed Joey's Law, some even being spread onto the Internet (Who gives a shit? Everyone's on the internet anyway.) Several protesters were also arrested/charged/fined by the police, including Catholic priests, strippers performing Nude Limbo, and even graffiti artist Banksy.
But what was Trinidad and Tobago's reaction to the event? Reportedly they closed 34 of their embassies around the world, sued Barack Obama (Like the first case, this case was eventually settled), demanded to set free all who were arrested, deemed all the economies who supported the law "unconstitutional", signed out of the United Nations, and dissolved as nation itself. So yeah, no more Trinidad and Tobago, AND that all happened within 24 hours of the approval of the law. Talk about speed.
To close this article, we decided to approach the fucker who started the whole thing and put an end to one of our favorite party games and nations. (And yes, that WAS the host of Joey's party.) Unfortunately, he declined to provide comment.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|