UnNews:Lifeboat confiscated by health and safety administrators after "crazy arsed" rescue of child
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
15 August 2008
A RECKLESS AND FOOLISH TEAM who saved a drowning schoolgirl were admonished by health and safety officials for the "flagrant breach in rigid health and safety doctrines" shortly after delivering the girl safe and well to shore. The boat, recently deemed unsafe due to non-standard hull paintwork that did not conform to colour-blind guidelines bought in in 2003, was subsequently confiscated and burnt.
The coastguard team in South Devon defied advice not to take the 17-foot inflatable, which would have been virtually invisible to colour blind swimmers, to sea when they saw the 13-year-old being swept out by a rip current.
Health and Safety spokes"person" Gertrude McTwatstane was uncompromising in her criticism of the rescue team, "if there had been any deaf colour-blind people swimming in the sea they would not have been able to see the boat. I need not spell out what might have happened as a direct result of this flagrant breach of strigent laws laid down."
"It was only by chance that no deaf colour blind people were in the water else I'm sure we would be talking about a potentially fatal incident right now. I am fucking livid!"
The boat had been flagged as a "potential hazard to those of colour challenged vision" in June because of fears that it would not be readily visible to any swimmer suffering from colour blindedness. Ever diligent Health and Safety zealots clearly stated that the boat posed an extreme potential danger and instructed that it was not to be used until its hull was repainted in a colour that conformed with current guidelines.
When asked whether the girl might have perished had the boat not been available Ms McTwatstane pointed out that "without proper consideration of health and safety doctrine this sets a dangerous prescedant in encouraging reckless actions that deliberately go against a carefully constructed set of Health and Safety dictats."
"If we start going down that dangerous road then what on earth is the point of me and my ilk."