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12 October 2007
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SPACE -- Ladies, gentlemen (and trannies), it has finally happened: intelligent life has been discovered on a planet beyond our solar system. Unfortunately, the lifeforms found on this distant world are altogether uninspiring and actually quite boring.
This afternoon scientists at NASA's headquarters in Florida confirmed that at approximately 10:34 a.m. astronauts on a covert exploration/hunting expedition came across creatures not of our world. The news sent shockwaves through the space program. Scientists from all fields looked up from their microscopes, put down the electrodes and let out an awkward bellow akin to a cheer of joy. One resounding question came pouring into NASA's central control from the elated academic community: what could we, as a people, learn from these alien beings in order to better society? According to NASA public relations representative Johnathan Hovert: "Not much."
For these alien beings, residing on a planet nearly identical to our Earth, are also nearly identical to the inhabitants of our Earth. Humanoid creatures. Creatures with names like "Fred" and "Roger." Creatures that speak a strange, confusing language called "English." Creatures that drive minivans.
"When we made first contact, we were all a bit nervous," explains astronaut and hunting party leader Allan Landsmith. "But when we saw their perfectly trimmed lawns -- complete with rather festive topiary arrangements -- their somewhat confusing road signs and their organized religion, it became clear that we weren't going to be learning much from these people."
Plans to bring back these alien persons to our planet for observation and study have been scrapped, because really, what's the point? It's not like they have flying cars or anything. Instead, Coca Cola has spearheaded a joint marketing venture with a dozen other multinational corporations (including the Christianity Corporation) to "export Earth's vivacious culture of fast food, consumerism and receding literacy rates to our newfound brethren across the galaxy."
Needless to say, the scientific community took back their odd vocalizations of happiness and promptly returned to their telescopes after receiving this sad information. "I really thought we had it," claims Astrophysicist Henry Summers. "I really thought we'd finally unlock some unknown secrets of this vast, immeasurable cosmos about which we know so little. Instead, all we find is a planet full of people who look like Green Bay Packers fans. One of them actually looks a little like my friend John's brother..."
When contacted by UnNews interstellar corrospondants, newly discovered lifeform Stuart Glazer offered the following statement on behalf of his planet: "Yeah, well you guys aren't so great either!"
Interplanetary youth soccer leagues are currently being organized.
- Brian Mort-Glixman "Discovery of new lifeforms proves to be just another uneventful day in space". UFO Alliance, October 12, 2007