UnNews:Life After Buffy: The Musical

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4 September 2007

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Life After Buffy really, really sucks--Sarah Michelle Gellar

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Just Wheedlin’, one of the executive producers of the now mercifully defunct Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one of the series’ episodes of which was filmed as a “musical,” has threatened his few remaining fans with yet another such show. He is coy about the details, but says the new “musical” will be based on his post-Buffy career.

Part of the new “musical,” which he has tentatively called, Life After Buffy Really, Really Sucks, concerns his having been unceremoniously fired by the producers of Wonder Woman, for which he’d been hired as the scriptwriter and director. Wheedlin’ says he left due to “creative difficulties” and because the producers wanted Sarah Michelle Gellar to play the leading role.

“I’ve had quite enough of her prima donna ways,” he said. He refused to work with Gellar again “on anything, for any reason, for any amount of sex or money.”

Wheedlin’ suggested several other actresses for the role. Instead of Gellar, Charisma Carpenter, Michelle Trachtenberg, Emma Caulfield, Eliza Dushku, or David Boreanaz could have portrayed the Amazon, he said. Boreanaz proved his mettle in playing a member of the opposite sex in a Buffy episode, “Tranny Ghosts,” in which he played a male vampire possessed by a female ghost.

“All the other Buffy girls--and even David--have better tits and ass than Sarah,” he opined, “and, let’s face it, movies about empowered women are really movies about lesbians. As such, the females players should have the requisite assets.”

It is rumored that Wheedlin’ was fired as Wonder Woman’s scriptwriter and director for his insistence upon making Wonder Woman a lesbian. “I don’t know what the big deal is,” he told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “The lesbian relationships on Buffy is what made the show a success; it would have worked for Wonder Woman, too. The movie’s producers are clearly homophobic.”

Wheedlin’ said he’d planned to hire Marti Noxon as his assistant, “because she’s a looker, despite her transgender status.”

Noxon, who played a singing parking meter in the “musical” Buffy episode, was assistant executive producer of the television series and is held responsible by many Buffy fans for destroying the show. Under her direction, Tara Mustplay, the lesbian partner of lesbian bitch witch Dildo Rosenberg, was murdered after the lovers found true love in one another’s beds.

“She's a closeted homophobe,” Buffy’s Lesbo Legion Fan Club president Bertha Butch complained. “It she has anything to do with Wonder Woman, the Amazon had better plan her funeral.”

One of the Buffy songs, “Going Through the Motions,” was intended to be the Wonder Woman movie’s theme song. “It would have been an insiders’ joke,” Boreanaz said, after his audition as Wonder Woman, “indicating, to those in the know, that Just Wheedlin’, in writing and directing the movie, was just going through the motions.”

Part of the lyrics to the song explain Wheedlin’s own approach, both to filmmaking and to life in general, he admits:

I've been making shows
Of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been
Going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my...
Heart. . . .

One of the Wonder Woman songs was supposed to contain such lyrics as:

Wonder Woman is a woman of wonder
That’s why all the ladies want to be her
(Or just to be with her); she’s an Amazon
Just like Buffy, she’s autonomous and strong:
Sara would have played her, if she could,
But, instead of casting her, I thought we should
Cast someone who could both sing and dance
And someone who looks good in skirts or pants,
Since the movie is a musical. . . .
Frayed

Fray: Wheedlin's latest lesbian epic or whatever

“The songs are terrible,” Gellar observed, "and no one in any of his productions can ever sing. Just look at ‘Once More, With Feeling.’ What’s musical about it? None of the actors in the ‘musical,’ except me, of course, can sing a note.”

A third reason (as if two aren’t enough) for Wheedlin’s “departure” from Wonder Woman is his expressed intention of making her “a brunette version of Buffy.”

“We want Wonder Woman to be wonderful,” the movie’s producers’ spokesman said. “Buffy wasn’t.”

Because of Wheedlin’s dismissal from the film, production, which had been scheduled for 2007, has been pushed back to 2009, at the earliest, and Wheedlin’s clout has declined sharply.

“He’s been reduced to writing comic books about Gay, or Fray, or Frayed, or somebody, a lesbian-vampire slayer-witch-vengeance demon-nerd girl,” Gellar said.

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