UnNews:Liberal insurrection heroically crushed
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Liberal insurrection heroically crushed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, October 27, 2016, 06:57:UTC)(
5 December 2007
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Reaganville, USA Several weeks ago, a small band of Liberals who managed to escape the Grand Cleansing found their way into the innocent little community of Reaganville and began to dig their noxious, corruptive claws into the brains of the local townsfolk. They took up residence in a nearby cave and would often sneak into the town center, the barley fields, and the arsenic mines to preach their heathen ideals, often distracting the peons from the Daily Labor Period. They even had the audacity to interrupt the bi-weekly Pledge of Eternal Loyalty service at the local federal-funded Church of the Close-Minded, Caucasian, Heterosexual Catholic with a fallacious oration advocating the "rights" of humans, which, as you all know, were abolished for the good of
the people the state many years ago. All attempts to capture these mongrel curs at this point were to no avail, as liberals possess an innate ability to slither into a dark shadow and vanish when they sense danger.
"Rights!?" exclaimed a local landowner, "I thought we finally made it perfectly clear: the only "right" in this country that concerns those rubes is that we are right and they are wrong, and they will remain that way unless they do what we tell them to. I can't see what they are so upset about; it's clearly a win-win!"
Nevertheless, the local peasantry began to get the blasphemous idea that we, the upper class, "owe" them something in return for the sweat off their brows. They clearly seem to have forgotten that we own their brows and anything they produce, as an implied part of the binding oral contract they were required to make at the age of six as part of the No Child Left Unemployed Act. God bless America.
- "The bells have rung, the hour is near!
- Empty your hearts of good will and cheer!
- The passage is writ, and sealed in blood,
- Out of your pockets will my banknotes flood,
- Which I may spend on whatever I please,
- Even the most extravagant luxuries,
- Whilst you wither and rot and die of starvation,
- Oh, how I laugh at your squalid deprivation!
- So close your shutters and lock up tight,
- The new tax-man shall come tonight!"
He immediately proceeded to vanish into a column of hellfire, with his laughter echoing throughout the local meeting hall. Sadly, this effort was unsuccessful, and, at the behest of the liberal scum, most of Vladimir's subjects continued to voice their demands for indulgent commodities that they clearly neither need nor deserve, such as "food" and "fresh water." They try to justify this absurd bid for power by citing something called the Revolutionary War. "Huh," responds leading historian Charles Minionsburg, "the American Revolution. Now there's a name I haven't heard in—uh, I mean... (his eyes shift back and forth) These foolhardy claims carry no merit at all. It's common knowledge that God created America because Jesus said that the rest of the world wasn't American enough. Yeah, that's right. May the Lord have mercy on my soul..."
The escalation of events finally came to a climax yesterday when the liberal dogs incited the peasants into taking up arms against their benevolent social betters, and attempted to stage a coup d'etat. However, thanks to our outstanding federal government's instrumental policy of Shoot First, Ask Questions Later, the state was able to dispatch the Subjugation Battalion to the scene within minutes, along with a complement of imps, harpies, and various other fiends contracted by the state branch of the Federal Warlock Coven, in exchange for the monthly sacrifice of registered Democrats (watch out, hippies, any one of you could be next!). Even some of the local aristocrat families joined in on the fun. Lil' Tommy Beelzebub, age eight, managed to do his part as well: "A big liberal meanie tried to run at me, but I did this thing my daddy taught me where I said these words and a big, black, lightningy hole opened up and big, friendly claws came out of it and pulled the mean man inside. It was really fun." Vladimir himself could not be in attendance, as the sun rose over the horizon and he was forced to retreat into the shadowy refuge of his nearby citadel (a nuisance we are soon to be rid of once government-funded "Project: Darkness Eternal" is completed).
The liberals were soon overwhelmed and tried to flee, but our heroic shock troopers followed the standard anti-insurgency procedures set down in the Dead Men Tell No Tales Act of '01. Replacement laborers are on their way, and are scheduled to arrive tomorrow. And may this incident serve as a reminder of what will happen if any more of the hounds of liberalism ever attempt to disrupt the Glorious Social Order again. In conclusion, remember: we know what's best, not you.
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