UnNews:Libby pardon denies nations felons chance at Cheney's bitch
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
6 July 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Washington DC UNN – President George W. Bush remains in seclusion in the White House bunker following three days of blistering criticism for commuting the sentence of I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby and allowing the man best known as Dick Cheney’s Bitch to escape group showers and gang bangs in Federal Prison.
Editorials from the New York Times to the Pixley Intelligencer’s Arnold Ziffle skewed Bush for what is being called the greatest abuse of power since President Abraham Lincoln accidentally freed the Slavs during the Civil War. (Lincoln made the mistake when he heard that "the American people didn't accept Czechs.")
The harshest criticism however was dealt out by the nation’s prison newspapers which called for the resignation of the President.
On the east coast, New York City’s Riker’s Islandaire newsweekly claims that “the giant sucking sound heard around the nations prisons is sound of millions of shower sex fantasies gone down the shitter,” adding that “it is unfair that so many men who waited so patiently for Scooter, and them to have him not only not live up to his name, but were also denied the chance to watch him drop the soap.”
“I am, at heart, grateful to President Bush for returning me to my rightful owner,” said a giddily happy Scooter Libby, adding that “my ass - which is asstastic if I do say myself - belongs to one man, and that is Dick Cheney.”
In a statement released by Dick Cheney, and read by his spokewoman Mrs. James Carville, the Vice President stated that "there are more important issues before the American people," adding "If you can't get over this, then just Fuck OFF."
For his part, President Bush remained resolute that what he did was the right thing to do.