UnNews:Leonard Bensalem wins Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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2 July 2006
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HAIFA, Israel -- Leonard Bensalem, unassuming secular Jewish baker and citizen of Jerusalem was crowned the victor of the 3000 year long Israeli-Palestinian conflict last week. He is the last living person in the entire region of Judea. After 50 years of constant struggle, shellings, suicide bombings and wars, every single Palestinian and Israeli citizen, save for Mr. Bensalem, has passed away, victims of the ceaseless fighting. As sole claimant to all land and remaining armaments, he is proposing to call his new nation "Leonardia". He's already at work on a new Constitution, and is currently looking for a lawyer to help with some of the legalese involved in making himself Supreme Ruler of Leonardia. He notes that, "Finding a lawyer is tough, as of late."
When asked about his reaction to the recent events, Leonard told us that he thought, "it was weird that no one had bought any bagels for 2 weeks, since I was the only baker left, and I made good bagels. That led me to believe something was up." Mr. Bensalem then turned on the TV, switched it to CNN and saw that the conflict was finally over, and he had been declared the winner, since the final remaining Palestinian, Tariq Al-Asizi had recently died in a Ski-Doo accident.
This victory ends a millennia old dispute over the land, which started with some shepards throwing rocks at one another. Leonard, however, failed to see what all the fuss was about: "I don't know why everybody got all worked up and stuff. It's just a bunch of sand. I guess it's an OK place."
But others in the region are less than happy about Leonard's recent good fortune. Syrian President Farqaad al Awezomi said, of the situation, "I don't like what's happened in Israel. I refuse to recognize it by its new name. It is an illegitimate state. The land rightfully belongs to Mr. Al-Asizi's grieving relatives."
"You snooze you lose", was Mr. Bensalem's only response to this harsh criticism.
It remains to be seen whether the new nation of Leonardia can fend off possible attacks from its Arab neighbors. The economy is also a major area of concern. A recent UN Report highlights the disturbing over-abudance of bakers in the small country, and points at the grave imbalance in employment in other, more necessary, fields such as health care and food production.
But Mr. Bensalem is peaceful throughout it all: "I've invited a couple of my friends over. It's cool, you know, having all this land. I'm going to get a pool put in. Things are going to be alright from now on, I can feel it."