UnNews:Lego offers sex education kit
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
CAUTION This article contains images that may be offensive to middle America!
21 April 2007
BILLUND, Denmark - Executives at Lego Group’s head office have announced that the toy company is releasing a sex education kit for preschoolers. The kit will include Lego figures that are “pre-posed” to simulate various sexual positions and to represent a range of sexual acts, including heterosexual, homosexual, and “other.”
“There are more than 900 million ways to combine six eight-stud Lego bricks of the same color,” Lester Burke, a spokesman for the company told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “Our sex education kit includes a telephone book-size manual that shows parents, teachers, and kindergarten students how to combine the bricks to
stimulate simulate every sexual situation imaginable, from necrophilia and bestiality to group sex involving both human and non-human partners.” Asked what he meant by “non-human,” Burke said, “Animal, mineral, and vegetable.”
“The characters are bright yellow, rather than any race,” Burked explained, “so as not to offend any race or ethnic group, and, for the same reason, most of the figures have black hair, which can be the hair color of any race or ethnic group and of the members of any of the world’s major religions, not that we’re implying that any religious person would necessarily engage in some, or, for that matter, any, of the sexual behaviors represented in our kit.”
Despite the company’s attempts to present information about sex in what Burke characterized as “a politically and socially responsible manner,” some critics insist that the sex kit demeans women, debases family values, and promotes promiscuity and perversity. One configuration of the bricks, when assembled, shows a Lego man and a woman having “doggy style” sex on what appears to be a medical clinic’s examination table (but could be a postal scale). A sign on the wall reads, “Family Huddle,” which, critics contend, “could suggest incest,” in which case the female figure in the scenario might be the male character’s daughter rather than his wife.
Burke dismisses this criticism. “That sounds like wishful thinking on the critic’s part.”
An even more controversial couple in the sex education kit, dubbed “Ralph and George, Barebacking” show one male character (it is unclear as to whether he is “Ralph” or “George”) engaging in what appears to be anal intercourse with his male partner (it is unclear whether he is “Ralph” or “George”) as the former lies prone upon what could be a blue Lego carpet, holding what appears to be a dildo in his left hand, and the latter lies atop him. Both figures are as naked as it is possible for a Lego character to be. Gays have criticized the depiction as “stereotypical and homophobic,” because it includes what appears to be a potted flowering plant--"pansies, it seems to us”--in a “pink pot”--and one of the figures, “the top,” has a beard, which, these critics contend, “plays to the macho man image that is stereotypical of tops,” the dominant partner in gay relationships.
Legoland, Lego Group’s multi-million dollar theme park near Carlsbad, California, The Land of Nuts and Fruits, will incorporate the sex education figures into its displays, attractions, and rides, Burke said. Parents, Burke suggested, should expect to see a “very different Legoland the next time they visit.” He said he could not offer specific details other than to say, “Kids might enjoy our new bumper cars." The backs of the cars resemble the female “pudenda,” Burke said, while the front end looks like a “phallus,” in its “excited state.” Gays and lesbians have condemned the ride as “heterosexist,” since it involves male and female genitalia, excluding “more inclusive, same-sex alternatives.” However, Burke promised that other attractions at the theme park will “showcase same-sex sex, to the exclusion of heterosexual alternatives, so it all evens out.”
It is rumored that Lego Group’s sex education kit is being released in response to Play-Doh’s providing its own sex education kits to preschoolers. In a news story exclusive to Unnews, reporter Lotta Lies gave an account of parents’ annoyance at finding a kindergarten teacher allowing students to use Play-Doh to “roll penises” out of the clay-like substance, using semi-naked male preschoolers as their “models” . The incident outraged parents, and, to appease them, the company vowed to offer “responsible sex education kits” to schools. Lego Group “wants to cut in on our action,” Play-Doh spokesman Bernie Bumm complained. “Remember, though, Play-Doh, not Lego, was the first company to offer such kits to kindergartners, and children enjoy our product more. I mean, how can a kid roll a Lego penis or poke a vagina into a plastic female character, as a child can do with a Play-Doh sculpture?”
For its part, Lego Group replied, “We have always been interested in education and in improving children’s minds and morals. We want preschoolers to understand that, with sex, as with other existential avenues, there are not merely a few, but an almost infinite number of, possibilities for exercising choice and enjoying oneself and others in a mature and responsible manner. With over 900 million ways to combine six eight-stud Lego bricks of the same color, Lego offers something for everyone, gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual, group, animal, mineral, vegetable, or whatever.”
- Lotta Lies "Lego Group’s new “sex education kit” may have kids screaming, “Lego my Lego!”". Instant News, 3 seconds ago