UnNews:Legions of George Bush impersonators to soon be unemployed
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
23 November 2008
Washington - In additional bad news for an already-shaky economy, legions of George W. Bush impersonators will become unemployed when president-elect Barack Obama takes office next January, saturating the American workforce with men who have forgotten how to do anything of value.
"It was nice while it, uh, lasted," said professional impersonator Walt Goodwin, making the president's traditional overenthusiastic hand gestures while verbally staggering between sentence fragments. "The talking, the walking, the grinning. It's been enjoyful." Pausing to perform a limp-wristed wave for passers-by, he mused, "I just hope I can relearn English when I re-entrify society."
Indeed, this is the key worry for professional Bush impersonators the world over. Although all presidential impersonators have a rocky reentry into regular American life, the crash is suspected to be especially hard for Bush impersonators.
"It's all about being someone else," said Samuel Thorndyke, president and founder of Famous Figure Impersonator Rehab, or FamFig I. R. "I know. I was a Gerald Ford impersonator, and I tell you, after two years of deliberately falling down stairs by accident, it's a habit that's hard to get out of. Even today I get the urge. The worst was that escalator in O'Hare. The horror... the horror..."
As Thorndyke's pupils slowly dilated, FamFig I. R. vice president Winston Lewis took over. "As you can see, the competency of the individual impersonated has direct effects on the personal playing him or her. In the case of George W. Bush, who has on multiple occasions has encouraged gut instinct to override reason, the consequences will be dire. Is you can probably tell, I was a Clinton impersonator. Clinton wasn't so bad, because his impulses only got the best of him sometimes. Baby." He paused to clear his throat. "But Bush... God, there are thousands of middle-aged white guys who are going to have to relearn everything from walking on up."
Lewis paused again to look at Thorndyke, who was still zoned out and now twitching rhythmically in a fashion that indicated he felt like he was still falling down an endless staircase. "This is what two years of pretending to be a lummox does to you. We're going to see thousands of men who... oh God. This is going to be bad. Baby."
Throughout the FamFig I. R. facility, the rehabilitated were readying cots for their brethren, who have already begun to trickle in.
"Right now it's okay," said Samuel MacGivern, who was once considered the best world's impersonator of forgotten '80s TV icon Max Headroom. "But just you w-w-wait until after N-New Year's. That's when there will be a huge spike as hordes of them close up sh-sh-shop."
The Bush impersonators who have already laid down their cowboy boots have entered the institute's rehabilitation program, which gently leads them through what amounts to a first grade education. "The real key is holding a pencil," said instructor and reformed Reagan double Chet Hobart. "Once they relearn penmanship the whole brain comes back online. Of course, there will always be residual effects." Turning to the janitor, he added, "Mr. Gorbachev, clean up this mess."
Even with the "relearnating" process still ahead of him, Goodwin has high hopes. "I just took my first drink without a crazy straw in six years," he said proudly. "And now that I don't hafta wear them cowboy boots all the time, I'm sure my feet will return to their o-ridge-o-nal shape in no time."
He was also making good headway at finding friends. "Don't he just look like the real one?" he said, pointing to a fellow Bush-lookalike. Indentified as "George B. Wush" by his nametag, this individual bears a likeness to the president that was unanimously accepted as nothing less than uncanny.
"You'd think it's really him," said Lewis, helping Wush remove his suit jacket. "Especially since he was dropped off by a really authentic looking Dick Cheney who then sped away. Things are going to be that much harder for Mr. Wush when he has to re-learn basic human skills."
As the facility closed to visitors that evening, Wush was not doing well and demanded to be taken back to the White House.